A strong mind is an uncluttered mind. Practice letting goes of unnecessary worries and distractions, so you can focus on more important things. When you notice yourself feeling scattered, take a deep breath and bring your focus back to where you want it.
Overachievers, we can easily get carried away with checking every box and barraging ourselves with criticism, unable to be perfect on all fronts. But this is not a place where you need to check every box at the same time. These are not strict prescriptions, but rather gentle reminders. The list is not a demonstration of who you are not, but rather an invitation for you to embody who you already are. With the comfort of this thought, let us proceed.
Quiet your mind. A strong mind is an uncluttered mind. Practice letting goes of unnecessary worries and distractions, so you can focus on more important things. When you notice yourself feeling scattered, take a deep breath and bring your focus back to where you want it.
- Meditation is an excellent way to learn to control your mind. If you’ve never meditated before, it may be difficult at first, as your mind is not used to stillness. It will get much easier with practice, so do not get discouraged. It only takes five or ten minutes a day to start achieving results.
- If you want to regain focus at the moment, you can try writing down what keeps popping up in your head. Think about it like a brain dump. When you get these thoughts out of your head, you’ll be able to focus better. Dedicate sometime later to attend to these thoughts or ideas.
Discover what brings you joy. Ask yourself when you’ve felt happiest or most fulfilled and why. Then, identify the reasons those experiences were so rewarding for you. Try to replicate these experiences more often.[2] Also, ask people you’re close to about yourself. Ask them what traits describe you when you’re at your happiest, and what they think causes this side of you to come out. This can be a powerful tool in self-discovery.
- For instance, if you loved a past tutoring job, take more opportunities to help others and share your knowledge.
Find out what motivates you. Think about what drives you to achieve or persevere in your day-to-day life. If you often find yourself just trying to get through the day, ask yourself what you would do with your time if you didn’t have to worry about basic concerns like money.[3]
- Your motivations may be closely linked to your values. For instance, if you value friendship, you might be motivated to spend time with the friends you already have and meet new people.
Set some long-term goals. Having a general idea of where you want your life to take you will help you stay strong-minded in the face of distractions and obstacles. Set goals that help give you direction in life. Try making a loose plan for the next five years.[4]
- Just sit down and write out a few accomplishments you would like to reach over the next few years. These may include graduating college, getting a job, or learning to speak Italian.
- Encourage goal setting by surrounding yourself with goal-oriented people and also creating relationships with mentors with whom you can discuss your dreams periodically
Create actionable short-term goals. Now, that you have a general understanding of where you want to go, break those long-term goals down. This keeps you from getting overwhelmed and helps you stay on track.
- Try to set SMART goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. For instance, your might break down “getting a job” into smaller segments. You might need to update your resume, complete an internship, or get additional education to reach this larger goal.
- Be mindful of the time frames you give yourself. Make sure they are reasonable and account for rest, recreation, and the unexpected in life.
Inform yourself. Examine the reasoning behind your beliefs. If you find that you’ve been basing your ideas on emotions or misinformation, do some research and see if you need to re-evaluate your position. Stay up-to-date on current events and issues by reading widely and watching the news.[5]
- When you can back up your ideas with facts, you’ll feel more confident in yourself, and you’ll be better prepared to have rewarding conversations with other people.
- Be mindful of whom you choose to associate with. Choose people who are also informed and thoughtful and who respectfully challenge your ideas.
- Use good judgment when reading information published on the internet. Some websites purposely spread false or malicious content
Avoid worrying. Focus on the things you can control, instead of wasting mental energy on the things you can’t. If you’re worried about a situation or an upcoming event, ask yourself what you can do to prepare for it or make it less stressful. Then put your energy towards taking action.[6]
- If you’re a habitual worrier, set aside a short window of “worry time” every day. Give yourself ten minutes to do nothing but worry. If you catch yourself worrying at other times throughout the day, force yourself to think about something else.[7] Try out a few different times of the day to do this and stick with the one that works best for you.
Take responsibility for yourself. Develop the mindset that you’re in control of your actions and choices. Instead of blaming other people when something goes wrong, think about how you can respond most constructively, and ask yourself whether you can prevent it from happening again.[8]
- Similarly, when something goes well in your life, congratulate yourself for the role your hard work played in the achievement, instead of chalking it up to luck. Share the good news with others and find a way to commemorate it. This will help keep you motivated and build your self-confidence.
Develop good habits. Increase your willpower by establishing positive everyday habits, such as getting up the first time your alarm goes off, keeping your house clean, and exercising regularly. If you procrastinate often, break the habit by making yourself accountable to other people and breaking your goals down into achievable steps.[9]
- Start with one good habit at a time. Keep a log of how often you stick to the habit. Try to consistently do the habit for at least a month before moving on to the next one.
Be willing to learn and change. Being strong-minded doesn’t mean changing your mind about anything. Our understanding of things changes over time, so do your best to not get stuck in the past. Stay open to new possibilities, and practice looking at complicated issues from multiple perspectives. When you talk to the people around you, really listen to them, even if you don’t agree with them.[10]
- Educate yourself and update your knowledge by doing activities such as reading, watching documentaries, listening to podcasts, and visiting the museum
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Identify the motives of others. To be more confident in your opinions and decisions, you’ll need to work on developing a clear perception of others. You should always consider what people have to say when they’re trustworthy and admirable, but listening to those with potentially selfish or harmful motives can make you feel confused or tricked.
- If you notice the person is continuously needy and persuasive and you have a bad feeling about them, don’t associate with them. They most likely don’t have your best interest at heart.
Don’t let yourself be easily influenced by others. Strong-minded people don’t doubt themselves completely every time someone disagrees. Practice being confident in your beliefs by journaling regularly and practicing saying “no.” Speak up confidently when you don’t agree, instead of keeping your thoughts to yourself or feeling the need to justify your opinions to others.[11
Get some perspective on your problems. Avoid blowing problems out of proportion in your mind. Catastrophic thinking, blaming yourself and jumping to conclusions all undermine your mental strength. Instead, try to take a realistic view of the situation.[12]
- Stay in perspective by conducting reality testing against such thoughts. Ask yourself whether you have clear evidence to support the thought. Or, decide if there is a better, more realistic way of viewing the situation.
- For instance, if you give a bad talk in front of 100 people, you might think, “I’m a terrible speaker. I should never speak to a crowd again.” If that happens, take a mental step back and remind yourself, “Lots of people have given one bad speech. It’s not the end of the world.”
- Try consulting a trusted friend or advisor to gain some perspective. This person is not as emotionally invested and can be more objective, which may give you new things to consider.
Don’t compare yourself to others. Strong-minded people are confident and resilient no matter how other people are performing. If you are going to compare, it should be against goals you have made and achieved in the past, to show how you’ve grown.[13]
- Although strong-minded people are often in competitive fields, such as sales, athletics, politics, and academics, they win by being able to move past competitive pressures.
- Pay attention to your social media use and determine whether it’s causing you to compare yourself, feel inadequate, or suffer from any other negative impacts.
Think constructively. Avoid feeling sorry for yourself or telling yourself a situation is hopeless. Look for ways you can take control instead. Dismiss your negative thoughts and ask yourself, “What can I do about it?”[14]
- Your self-talk can be a sneaky source of negativity, so keep an eye on it. If you notice that you’re giving yourself unhelpful feedback, change it to something positive instead.
- For example, you could change “Why do I even try?” to “I’m going to make one little improvement to the way I do this today.”
- This can be heavily impacted by the people you spend time with. If you notice that people you’re around a lot tend to speak negatively, you may want to spend less time with them for the sake of your personal growth.
Accept discomfort. Pushing past the limits of your comfort zone takes strength and determination, but that’s the only way to achieve new things. Stretch yourself by doing things that are a little past your skill level. Accept the inevitability of failure and practice making peace with not knowing how things will turn out.[15] Discomfort, failure, and uncertainty are okay, important, and useful for growth.
- For example, you could increase your tolerance for discomfort by joining a public speaking group like Toastmasters or signing up for a challenging workout class.
Persevere. If something is important to you, don’t give up on it, no matter how hard it is or how many times you’ve failed. Stay determined, even if you don’t see how things will work out right now. Look for a way to take one small step forward every day.[16]
- For example, if you can’t get hired for the kind of job you want, you could try working a different job temporarily while taking night classes in your chosen field.
- If you decide that a goal or task is not worth your time anymore, it’s okay to stop pursuing it, but make sure you’re honest with yourself about your motivations. Quit because your goal is no longer in line with your goals or values, not just because it’s hard.
Go First
From starting a simple conversation with a person we like to propose a new initiative at work, we often prefer somebody else to make the first step. The reason we default to waiting for a green light from the other side is simple – fear of rejection.
Strong-minded people accept the possibility of rejection and welcome the uncertainty that comes with them going first. It is a natural price to pay for not seeking permission to act in their interests.
Learning to go first starts with an understanding of what imaginary boxes you’ve placed yourself in. Seeking permissions in the areas of personal growth is an example of that box. Perhaps, you do not need a green light to come out because you don’t even have to stay in.
Experiment
For most of our lives, we prefer playing it safe by taking a path others have already succeeded in multiple times. Education and career are good examples. We prefer to avoid experiments, afraid of irreversible damage and the uncertain results that an experiment can bring. Quitting work for self-discovery may sound appealing, but what if we run out of money and won’t be able to get that job back? So we never do it.
Strong-minded people know how to set up an experiment, be that a year-long sabbatical or simply a new sales strategy at work. They understand that doing something different for the next specified period may not bring the expected results but will create experiences that cannot be acquired in any other way. And, if an experiment goes wrong, they are prepared to make a few steps back to reverse it.
Experimenting requires acceptance that the straight upward-sloping life trajectory is a myth. It’s a twisted path whether we want it or not. Instead of mindlessly stumbling through those twists, you might as well create them by experiments, however small they are at the start.
Appreciate Failures
Through upbringing and education, most of us are strongly conditioned to think that failures are bad. Punished for mistakes at school, we hide them at all costs in our adult lives. A failure, we think, is a judgment of our character. So, after one, we do our best to bounce right back and move on to the next thing.
Strong-minded people are not immune to experiencing pain from failure. They, however, move past the discomfort of being in the same space with negative emotions that decomposing a failure might bring. The lessons of it are too valuable to skip! So they take their time to go through uncomfortable retrospection[1] and only then bounce back, stronger and smarter.
When you place a failure into a remote mental box to never access it, you are moving on uninformed and prone to making the same mistakes again. Instead, go for a brave stare-down with a failure you’ve tried hard to let go of. What superpowers does it offer you? See the unique wisdom behind the uncomfortable emotional facade, and, maybe for the first time, appreciate your failure for that wisdom.
Do Not Chase Immediate Gratification
In today’s fast-paced world, we train ourselves to achieve things fast. When access to people and resources is at our fingertips, we chase immediate gratification, be that receiving a dress from Italy within 24 hours, getting feedback from the team in a different time zone, or accumulating higher views on a new blog post.
Strong-minded people understand that chasing immediate gratification is a road to a lot of anxiety and disappointment. Wanting things right now feeds an inferiority complex, as there’s always somebody who got it faster, bigger, and better.
Deferred gratification, on the other hand, does not facilitate comparisons. It cultivates patience in strong-minded people, regardless of whether they are marathoners, who evenly spread their energy, or sprinters, who calmly wait for the time to start running at full speed.
Noticing where you seek immediate gratification allows you to pinpoint the sources of your daily anxiety doze. Limiting how many times you check social media and how often you communicate with people over messengers may be a good place to start fostering patience. Hearing “ding” from devices surrounding you may feel satisfying, but it can be just an illusion of actually getting things done.
Think in Terms of Opportunities, Not Limitations
Pragmatic people, tend to find problems in everything. A self-protection mechanism we’ve developed, it is amazing for as long as it allows us to notice hidden dangers when we go forward. However, more often than not, finding problems simply prevents us from acting altogether.
Strong-minded people think in terms of opportunities, not problems. So, when they embark on something new, they understand that limitations are imminent, but they do not make them the center of their interest. Opportunities, which exist both with limitations and because of limitations, are what drive them forward.
Every time you leave a familiar zone to find new opportunities, notice whether you invent constraints that are not there and focus on limitations as reasons to return. That’s you traveling with your brakes on! Only by releasing your grip on those brakes can you truly go into uncharted territories where a lot of things become possible.
Deal with Others in a Flexible Way
When we deal with other people, to establish our importance, we often choose to take an uncompromising position and fight until we are the last one standing. It shows in negotiations, in our teamwork, and our relationships. We think it makes us strong, but fail to notice how this desire to always win suffocates us.
Strong-minded people choose to be flexible over immovable when dealing with others. They know that being rigid closes off a lot of opportunities for them. Moreover, being open to opportunities, they do not think in terms of a zero-sum game, where one has to lose for the other to win. They compromise to seek ways for everyone to improve in the long term.
Being flexible starts with loosening a grip on the need to always be right, always know it all, and always be in control. Think of the times you feel the urge to reach for these weapons. More often than not, you are inflexible not because of the subject of negotiations itself, but because you want to prove that you matter.
Recognize that you do matter, regardless of the outcome of dealing with anyone, – and you are on the way to seeing more opportunities that being flexible opens.
People Are Firm on Their Values
Our values are the guideposts for our decisions. But oftentimes, we find ourselves in situations where these values are compromised. It can be a partner, who uses marketing that is borderline deceptive; a client, who disregards our commercial interests by changing terms on the go; or a teammate, who guilt-trips us for better preparation for a meeting than he was. Being afraid to lose these people’s respect or trust, we choose to tolerate them.
Strong-minded people are flexible in dealing with people, but they are also firm on their values. They know the difference between the two. Strong-minded people are willing to lose a relationship that does not uphold their values. They know that compromising values is a form of self-deception. No matter how enticing an opportunity may seem from the start, without strong values in the foundation, it will inevitably crumble.
Whenever you find yourself enduring a relationship where your values are disregarded, answer yourself whether tolerating it is worth it. Is a brief uncertainty caused by walking away really scarier and more damaging than the resentment that you house inside when you’ve chosen to stay?
No” to a Lot of Things
Oftentimes, we confuse openness to opportunities with saying “Yes” to as much as possible. We are grabbing whatever is coming our way, just to find ourselves stretched when something we want shows up. Fear of missing out is powerful!
Strong-minded people prioritize and focus. And that requires saying “No” to a lot of things while overcoming the scarcity mindset. Instead of operating from a place of fear that a new opportunity might never present itself, strong-minded people trust that a better one will arrive when they are ready.
If you think of life in terms of addiction, it’s easy to aim for grabbing as many experiences as possible. That, however, only elevates the distress caused by possibly missing other potentially rewarding experiences. If instead, you think of life as a product (multiplication) of things you do, where everything affects everything else, adding more may suddenly decrease the overall result. Removing something, on the other hand, may improve the overall quality of life. With that mindset, saying “No” becomes much easier.
Excited About Everything They Undertake
Whenever something good happens to us, we are used to telling ourselves “Don’t get too excited.” As if excitement makes it somehow vulnerable to an imminent threat. In a fear that something bad is bound to kill our joy, we reserve elevated emotional states to rare occasions only.
Strong-minded people use excitement as a general attitude towards everything they do. It becomes a source of energy to turn a daily routine into an experiment.
Excitement is natural, because, while saying “No” to a lot of stuff, only exciting things get to stay. And it is not about faking joy for others. For strong-minded people, excitement is an expression of their true authentic selves.
Instead of the usual mantra “Don’t get too excited!”, try telling yourself the opposite next time. This enthusiasm will not only let you appreciate more what you already enjoy, but it may also help you turn an otherwise dull day into an exciting adventure.
Do Things with Purpose
In the current culture, we cultivate busyness as an indicator of our importance. No other complaint gets more understanding in a group of overachievers than “I am so busy these days!” No wonder, we have an urge to fill up our schedules just to feel like we are not missing a beat. And we rarely question the purpose of what we do.
Strong-minded people put the purpose of activity above the need to be busy. They understand that the continuous movement between tasks may give a false sense of progress. What may seem like an advancement is a meaningless gyration in an attempt to silence uncomfortable thoughts and a sense of no direction.
Strong-minded people do not use busyness as a remedy for self-doubt. There is a purpose, rooted in their values behind every action, or even inaction they choose.
Whenever you feel the urge to be busy, question the reason behind it. A full calendar is a poor indicator of your worth. While a day with one thing that gives it meaning is definitely worth your while.
Don’t Need to Prove
The need to prove is one of the most powerful motivational drivers out there. It touches a lot of aspects of our lives: from how we select our careers to how we present ourselves on social media. The problem is that it makes us easily manipulable. Challenge us with “Do you have what it takes?”, and we will run to their full speed just to prove that we are capable, deserving, and relevant.
Strong-minded people do not chase a goal just for the sake of proving it.[2] They are not concerned with other people’s opinions of them. And though wanting to be seen in a good light is a natural desire, “proving them wrong” is an outcome, not a goal, for a strong-minded person.
Next time your need to be acknowledged makes you jump through hoops just to show others what you can, recognize that other’s opinion of you is not who you are. Forget who you need to prove wrong, and remember that you are already enough.
Themselves to Be Different
Throughout our life, we are strongly incentivized to fit in. In school, this is how we make friends. At companies, this is how we gain positions. Fitting in helps us connect. Our uniquenesses, on the other hand, are what get fingers pointed at us. So we learn to hide them.
Strong-minded people are comfortable with being different. They do not hide, justify, or make up believable stories to explain the uniquenesses away. They simply embody them.
Free of the need to prove, strong-minded people do not look at their differences as an obstacle to their progress; they use them as a source to create their path.
Allowing yourself to be different does not require shaving your head bald and protesting topless on the main square of your town (unless that’s what you want!) It rather requires a level of self-awareness to know how your unique background translates into your superpowers. Learning to connect with others by applying those superpowers, you may discover that, to find a place you belong, you do not need to fit in.
Listen and Ask Questions
Anywhere we go, we like to bring a know-it-all personality with us. It boosts our ego and helps us feel superior to others. We cannot wait to show off our sophistication and politely skip the topics we know nothing about. We’d rather spend hours figuring things out than look weak not having anything to contribute.
Strong-minded people are okay with not being an expert in everything. They listen to understand, not to respond. In their mind, trying to know it all is fighting a fight they cannot win. So, instead of feeling inferior, they ask good questions and gather information. A question for them is not a sign of weakness but rather a tool they feed their curiosity with.
Next time you feel like moving a conversation to a topic that allows you to shine, simply try to stay and listen. Instead of reminding yourself of what you are lacking, appreciate the opportunity to learn something new right there and then.
Are Honest with Themselves
With the speed of life today, taking time to reflect on our feelings is a prohibitive luxury. Because we are so busy, hiding our emotions becomes a way to optimize our performance. We’d rather suppress our feelings inside to continue “business as usual” than allow something we are not prepared to deal with to come out.
Strong-minded people do not ignore their feelings in an attempt to make themselves appear more resilient. Just the opposite, vulnerability can be a great power for them.
Strong-minded people listen to others, and they also listen to themselves. They spend time analyzing their emotions and cultivating self-acceptance. Self-awareness is a big component of their intelligence.
Whenever you feel like suppressing a feeling as an unnecessary distraction, inquire into the source of this feeling. Only when you know your weaknesses, you can bet on your strengths. Only when you understand your fears, you will know how to be brave.
Aside from small daily practices, you can do whenever you wish, there are plenty of resources available to facilitate a strong-minded approach to decision-making.
Need inspiration about experimenting with lifestyle design? Dive into the work of Tim Ferris!
Feel like you need to examine your daily decisions and overcome a scarcity mindset? Check out the blog of Khe Hy.
Want to eavesdrop on how today’s leaders work through their fears? Listen to the thought-provoking Reboot Podcast.
The good news is, that being strong-minded is not about faking it or making sacrifices that no one is going to appreciate. It is also not a quality that you have to be born with.
Being strong-minded is about the attitude you can choose to have towards anything in life, small or large. And choosing that attitude can only be achieved by being able to listen to yourself and having the courage to interact with the world from the position of who you are.
