Being assertive is about putting your point across in a positive way that is more likely to get you what you want, with all parties feeling happy. You generally need to use this skill when you have an opposing point of view or when you need to disagree with others, which can be socially complex. The UK government has sanctioned numerous intervention programs to teach this skill to the group of people who need it most in society: offenders. I’m one of the people tasked with leading this skill and many others to bring about positive changes, but it’s not just for offenders; other people can benefit from this beneficial skill too.
Below I share with you a framework with four steps to being more assertive, both personally and professionally, which are research-based and proven to work. This isn’t to say they will work every time, but they are much more effective than alternative methods (e.g., being too aggressive or passive).
1. Describe the situation.
Start by describing the situation and giving an overview of your understanding of it. At first, try to keep this as factual as possible, as this stops other people from being able to disagree with you. This may involve using sentences such as “the way I understand the situation is this …” You may also add your opinion on the matter afterward by using statements such as “my opinion is this because …” By justifying yourself, people don’t feel you are giving an opposing opinion to disagree with them for the sake of it. Providing your justification is powerful, as this promotes empathy, which allows them to see things from your point of view and may also be enough to persuade them into your thinking.
2. Express how you feel.
Once you’ve given an overview and described the situation from your point of view, you want to express how you feel about it. It is essential to own the feelings using “I” language when expressing yourself. What is this? This involves statements such as “I feel like this” or “this situation makes me feel like this ….”
When doing this, you try to avoid “you” language, where you make statements that will put the other person on the defensive. For example, saying “you make me feel …” or “because of you I feel …” Statements like this are unproductive but also antagonistic toward people on the receiving end of them. Also, they claim that the other person can control your feelings, which is not true (only you own your feelings), and you mustn’t try to shift this to others.
When you express how you feel about something, this also stops other people from able to disagree with it. For example, “I feel upset by this situation” means the other person can’t just say, “no, you don’t feel upset,” as they are your feelings. If you make the mistake of using “you” language, it is easy for the other person to argue the point by saying, “I haven’t made you feel anything.” This subtle but critical difference can create a collaborative discussion or turn it into a hostile argument.
3. Say what you want.
Next, you want to be specific and say what you want to happen from the situation. Say what you would like to do and also what you would like other people to do (or not to do). Be clear and specific, and avoid being vague. You can refer back to your justifications or feelings at this point to back up what you’re paying for added extra effect.
4. State how the outcome benefits all parties.
You want to end your point by stating how your chosen solution or point of view will ultimately benefit all parties. Too many people fall into the trap of expressing simply how it will help them. This isn’t persuasive, nor does it make people inclined to agree with you if they see no benefit for themselves in some way. By describing how the other person can benefit as well as yourself, they now have a reason to come over to your way of thinking.
In some situations where you disagree with someone, just getting them to consider the long-term consequences can be enough for them to see things from your point of view. Another tactic is to reframe the situation positively, so instead of seeing the situation as a loss, you can plant the seed for them to see things differently and more completely.
An example is the glass half-empty or half-full metaphor that is famously used. “Don’t think of the situation as a loss; think of it as a good experience and learning” is another excellent example. There is always a silver lining; you need to use this to your advantage by getting people to see it.
Assertiveness is a skill; like any skill, it takes practice to get good at it. You can start using it instantly in conversation to get better at it with close family members and friends before unleashing your newfound power on the world!
