Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) is most often defined as the ability to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can recognize their own emotions and those of others, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, and adjust emotions to adapt to environments. Although the term first appeared in 1964, it gained popularity in the 1995 best-selling book Emotional Intelligence, written by science journalist Daniel Goleman. Goleman defined EI as the array of skills and characteristics that drive leadership performance.

Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while others claim it is an inborn characteristic.

We can’t live without oxygen, and we won’t thrive without love and connection.

Healthy connections are disrupted when emotions are dysregulated. It leads to bad behavior and often creates fear.

Other consequences of emotional dysregulation can be displayed through over-extended credit cards, marked increase in alcohol use, stress eating, and abuse.

People wishing to live a full and healthy life must be in touch with their emotions and be able to process suppressed or ignored emotions.

Getting in touch with emotions is key to creating authentic relationships and realizing our full potential.

In addition, emotional intelligence skills are central to connecting with others, as we connect through our emotions, with potential health, professional, and performance benefits.

This is where emotional intelligence coaching can be the perfect instrument for making a lifelong difference.

Find out more about emotional intelligence coaching and training opportunities if you want to explore this as a channel to make a difference in your coaching clients’ lives.

The ability-based model views emotions as useful sources of information that help one to make sense of and navigate the social environment. The model proposes that individuals vary in their ability to process information of an emotional nature and in their ability to relate emotional processing to a wider cognition. This ability is seen to manifest itself in certain adaptive behaviors. The model claims that EI includes four types of abilities:

1. Perceiving emotions – the ability to detect and decipher emotions in faces, pictures, voices, and cultural artifacts—including the ability to identify one’s own emotions. Perceiving emotions represents a basic aspect of emotional intelligence, as it makes all other processing of emotional information possible.
2. Using emotions – the ability to harness emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities, such as thinking and problem-solving. The emotionally intelligent person can capitalize fully upon his or her changing moods to best fit the task at hand.
3. Understanding emotions – the ability to comprehend emotion language and to appreciate complicated relationships among emotions. For example, understanding emotions encompass the ability to be sensitive to slight variations between emotions, and the ability to recognize and describe how emotions evolve.
4. Managing emotions – the ability to regulate emotions in both ourselves and in others. Therefore, the emotionally intelligent person can harness emotions, even negative ones, and manage them to achieve intended goals.

The ability EI model has been criticized in the research for lacking face and predictive validity in the workplace. However, in terms of construct validity, ability EI tests have a great advantage over self-report scales of EI because they compare individual maximal performance to standard performance scales and do not rely on individuals’ endorsement of descriptive statements about themselves.

Emotional intelligence affects

• Your performance at school or work. High emotional intelligence can help you navigate the social complexities of the workplace, lead and motivate others, and excel in your career. When it comes to gauging important job candidates, many companies now rate emotional intelligence as important as technical ability and employ EQ testing before hiring.
• Your physical health. If you’re unable to manage your emotions, you are probably not managing your stress either. This can lead to serious health problems. Uncontrolled stress raises blood pressure, suppresses the immune system, increases the risk of heart attacks and strokes, contributes to infertility, and speeds up the aging process. The first step to improving emotional intelligence is to learn how to manage stress.
• Your mental health. Uncontrolled emotions and stress can also impact your mental health, making you vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you are unable to understand, get comfortable with, or manage your emotions, you’ll also struggle to form strong relationships. This in turn can leave you feeling lonely and isolated and further exacerbate any mental health problems.
• Your relationships. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’re better able to express how you feel and understand how others are feeling. This allows you to communicate more effectively and forge stronger relationships, both at work and in your personal life.
• Your social intelligence. Being in tune with your emotions serves a social purpose, connecting you to other people and the world around you. Social intelligence enables you to recognize friends from foes, measure another person’s interest in you, reduce stress, balance your nervous system through social communication, and feel loved and happy.

Building emotional intelligence: Four key skills to increasing your EQ

The skills that make up emotional intelligence can be learned at any time. However, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between simply learning about EQ and applying that knowledge to your life. Just because you know you should do something doesn’t mean you will—especially when you become overwhelmed by stress, which can override your best intentions. To permanently change behavior in ways that stand up under pressure, you need to learn how to overcome stress at the moment, and in your relationships, to remain emotionally aware.

The key skills for building your EQ and improving your ability to manage emotions and connect with others are:

1. Self-management
2. Self-awareness
3. Social awareness
4. Relationship management

Building emotional intelligence, key skill 1: Self-management

For you to engage your EQ, you must be able to use your emotions to make constructive decisions about your behavior. When you become overly stressed, you can lose control of your emotions and the ability to act thoughtfully and appropriately.

Think about a time when stress has overwhelmed you. Was it easy to think clearly or make a rational decision? Probably not. When you become overly stressed, your ability to both think clearly and accurately assess emotions—your own and other people’s—becomes compromised.

Emotions are important pieces of information that tell you about yourself and others, but in the face of stress that takes us out of our comfort zone, we can become overwhelmed and lose control of ourselves. With the ability to manage stress and stay emotionally present, you can learn to receive upsetting information without letting it override your thoughts and self-control. You’ll be able to make choices that allow you to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

Key skill 2: Self-awareness

Managing stress is just the first step to building emotional intelligence. The science of attachment indicates that your current emotional experience is likely a reflection of your early life experience. Your ability to manage core feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy often depends on the quality and consistency of your early life emotional experiences. If your primary caretaker as an infant understood and valued your emotions, it’s likely your emotions have become valuable assets in adult life. But, if your emotional experiences as an infant were confusing, threatening, or painful, you’ve likely tried to distance yourself from your emotions.

But being able to connect to your emotions—having a moment-to-moment connection with your changing emotional experience—is the key to understanding how emotion influences your thoughts and actions.

• Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach, throat, or chest?
• Do you experience individual feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision-making?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, you may have “turned down” or “turned off” your emotions. To build EQ—and become emotionally healthy—you must reconnect to your core emotions, accept them, and become comfortable with them. You can achieve this through the practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the practice of purposely focusing your attention on the present moment—and without judgment. The cultivation of mindfulness has roots in Buddhism, but most religions include some type of similar prayer or meditation technique. Mindfulness helps shift your preoccupation with thought toward an appreciation of the moment, and your physical and emotional sensations, and brings a larger perspective on life. Mindfulness calms and focuses you, making you more self-aware in the process.

Key skill 3: Social awareness

Social awareness enables you to recognize and interpret the mainly nonverbal cues others are constantly using to communicate with you. These cues let you know how others are feeling, how their emotional state is changing from moment to moment, and what’s truly important to them.

When groups of people send out similar nonverbal cues, you’re able to read and understand the power dynamics and shared emotional experiences of the group. In short, you’re empathetic and socially comfortable.

Mindfulness is an ally of emotional and social awareness

To build social awareness, you need to recognize the importance of mindfulness in the social process. After all, you can’t pick up on subtle nonverbal cues when you’re in your head, thinking about other things, or simply zoning out on your phone. Social awareness requires your presence at the moment. While many of us pride ourselves on an ability to multitask, this means that you’ll miss the subtle emotional shifts taking place in other people that help you fully understand them.

• You are more likely to further your social goals by setting other thoughts aside and focusing on the interaction itself.
• Following the flow of another person’s emotional responses is a give-and-take process that requires you to also pay attention to the changes in your own emotional experience.
• Paying attention to others doesn’t diminish your self-awareness. By investing the time and effort to pay attention to others, you’ll gain insight into your emotional state as well as your values and beliefs. For example, if you feel discomfort hearing others express certain views, you’ll have learned something important about yourself.

Key skill 4: Relationship management

Working well with others is a process that begins with emotional awareness and your ability to recognize and understand what other people are experiencing. Once emotional awareness is in play, you can effectively develop additional social/emotional skills that will make your relationships more effective, fruitful, and fulfilling.

• Become aware of how effectively you use nonverbal communication. It’s impossible to avoid sending nonverbal messages to others about what you think and feel. The many muscles in the face, especially those around the eyes, nose, mouth, and forehead, help you to wordlessly convey your own emotions as well as read other people’s emotional intent. The emotional part of your brain is always on—and even if you ignore its messages—others won’t. Recognizing the nonverbal messages that you send to others can play a huge part in improving your relationships.
• Use humor and play to relieve stress. Humor, laughter, and play are natural antidotes to stress. They lessen your burdens and help you keep things in perspective. Laughter brings your nervous system into balance, reducing stress, calming you down, sharpening your mind, and making you more empathic.
• Learn to see conflict as an opportunity to grow closer to others. Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in human relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the same needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t be a bad thing.

What Is Emotional Intelligence Coaching? 2 Examples

Emotional intelligence coaching is “about evoking the best from people, including yourself” (Neale, Spencer-Arnell, & Wilson, 2009, p. 32).

Coaching is a tool that includes powerful communication and raises awareness. It is “about being a catalyst for positive change” (Neale et al., 2009, p. 32).

Emotion-Focused Therapy is one means of helping clients build emotional intelligence (EQ). The focus is to help clients “enhance their ability to perceive, access, understand, regulate, and (when necessary) transform emotions” (Greenberg, 2015, p. 13).

Neale et al. (2009, p. 32) believe that “Coaching is about moving forward and helping people improve their individual performance.”

Ultimately, emotional intelligence in the workplace enhances productivity, employee engagement, and profitability (Goleman, 2000).

Below, we provide two examples of how emotional intelligence coaching can provide positive benefits.

1. James

James has been hired to complete a complicated project at work. He is smart and hardworking. As he discusses recent client feedback on the project, James finds himself getting angry and defensive.

During emotional intelligence coaching, James learns techniques for managing stress at work and getting along with his colleagues (Lopes et al., 2006). With coaching, he is learning to regulate his emotional reactions.

2. Breanne

Breanne has just started working on emotional intelligence skills with a coach. Breanne and her roommate have been at odds, and it has escalated after her roommate accused her of stealing money and spread rumors about her.

Breanne tells her weekly wellness group that her roommate’s behavior is hurtful and makes her sad. She then asks for advice. She listens and decides she will invite her roommate to talk privately and honestly about their relationship and living arrangements. Breanne is learning to be responsive rather than reactive, demonstrating the importance of emotional awareness in relationships (Schutte et al., 2001).

The Psychology Behind Emotion Coaching: 9 Steps

People need connection. “Human beings need others to feel secure and happy” (Greenberg, 2015, p. 285).

When our attachments are threatened, one emotion that surfaces are fear. For example, we may experience the fear that without others, we will not survive (Greenberg, 2015). This fear sounds irrational, but “irrationality is what fear is all about” (Baker & Stauth, 2003, p. 17).

Emotional intelligence coaching helps those consumed by negative emotions such as fear to recognize the rational truth and reassess the vignettes of their life.

Neale et al. (2009) suggest several characteristics of effective coaches, including awareness of others, listening with your whole body, authentic rapport, empathy, and trustworthiness.

If coaching rapport is the vehicle, neuroplasticity is the engine. Neuroplasticity is the concept that the brain is pliable in both function and structure (Wildflower & Brennan, 2011). Deliberate concentration helps rewire our brains (Wildflower & Brennan, 2011) as we rethink and reevaluate past difficulties.

There are a variety of emotional coaching methods. One particular nine-step process is divided into two phases (Greenberg, 2015).

The first phase includes arriving at emotions:

1. Encouraging emotional awareness.
2. Being present to aid acceptance of the emotional experience.
3. Verbalizing specific emotions.
4. Naming the client’s primary experience.

The second phase includes the facilitation of moving forward and transforming feelings as necessary:

5. Helping the client categorize the feeling as healthy or unhealthy.
6. Analyzing destructive thoughts or beliefs attached to unhealthy or maladaptive emotions.
7. Facilitating awareness of and access to different and adaptive emotions.
8. Accessing the need associated with the emotion and feeling that it is deserved.
9. Guiding the client in the development of a new self-narrative.

How to Become an Emotional Intelligence Coach

If helping people deal with emotions appeals to you, you may have wondered what it takes to become an emotional intelligence coach.

Neale et al. (2009) propose some basic requirements to be a successful coach:

1. Robust emotional intelligence skills
2. Necessary coaching knowledge, attitude, skills, and habits
3. The coachee’s willingness to take part in the process

And for organizational coaching:

4. A suitable culture for coaching

In addition, Neale et al. (2009) propose core attitudes necessary for becoming an emotional intelligence coach:

1. Self-regard – How okay you are with yourself
2. Regard for others – How okay do you think others are

Building rapport with clients rests on the foundation of trust. Therefore, trustworthiness is a core EQ coaching component.

EQ coaches use whole-body listening, which is nonjudgmental listening that uses our eyes, ears, and intuition while being aware of our own emotions (Neale et al., 2009).

Another core coaching skill is asking meaningful questions. Neale et al. (2009) believe that when the coach’s self-regard and regard for others are high, the questions are more likely to be nonjudgmental, solution-focused, and respectful.

A recommended first step to becoming an EQ coach would be to immerse yourself in emotional intelligence training. Having a solid grasp of emotional intelligence concepts can sharpen interpersonal and intrapersonal skills and help create empathy for future clients.

The next step includes finding a course that matches your needs and personality style.

Training in EQ Coaching: 3 Certificates & Online Courses

Below are recommended coaching institutions that are well known, and with established reputations.

1. Emotional Intelligence Coaching Certification – Goleman EI

Daniel Goleman is a renowned expert in the field of EQ. The author of several books on the topi introduced emotional intelligence to popular culture in the 1990s.

The Emotional Intelligence Coaching Certification, associated with Daniel Goleman, draws on positive psychology, evidence-based behavior change theory, mindfulness and compassion training, and neuroscientific precepts.

Upon certification, coaches will be equipped to help clients increase their capacity for self-awareness, focus, and empathy; balance complex emotions during times of stress; and maintain stronger and more effective relationships.

This program is approximately 10 months long and includes a 12- to 24-week coaching practicum. Graduates may apply for the Associated Certified Coach credential or the Professional Certified Coach credentials.

2. Leading with Emotional Intelligence – Dr. Relly Nadler

Dr. Relly Nadler offers a host of courses, assessments, and coaching options for those interested in learning more about emotional intelligence for self-mastery or professional development.

This video, Using Emotional Intelligence to Develop Executive Star Performers, is a brief description of one of his emotional intelligence courses.

3. EQ-i 2.0 and EQ 360 Certification – College of Executive Coaching

This resource offers a variety of potential coaching options. The EQ-i 2.0 and EQ 360 Certification course shows how increased emotional intelligence enhances potential leadership qualities, sales revenues, and academic success.

The website is very informative, providing pricing options and the cancellation policy upfront. The College of Executive Coaching was one of the first to receive International Coaching Federation accreditation. In addition, it was the first to offer executive coach training and to train coaches in assessments and the use of appreciative inquiry in coaching.

Top Resources: 5 Handouts, Worksheets, Scripts, and Activities

The following resources can help assist with emotional intelligence coaching.

1. Emotional Wellness Quiz

The Emotional Wellness Quiz is a good place to start an emotional intelligence journey. The quiz helps clients consider their capacity to recognize, accept, and manage emotions throughout the day. Clients are asked to reflect over the past month and scale 16 emotions depending on how often these emotions were felt.

2. Pleasant Activity Scheduling Worksheet

The Pleasant Activity Scheduling Worksheet is designed to help clients schedule positive, enjoyable activities to have something to look forward to. This worksheet invites clients to include an enjoyable activity once a day. Activities vary from watching a movie to calling a friend.

The idea for this worksheet is simple yet powerful. Sometimes it is necessary to pursue enjoyment and positivity with vigor, driven by the idea that emotional health is worth the effort.

3. Skill for Regulating Emotions

There are a variety of counterproductive behaviors people engage in when emotions are dysregulated. The Skills for Regulating Emotions exercise provides an outline to help clients rethink counterproductive behavior and make better choices.

4. Emotional Footprint Exercise

This exercise encourages clients to use imagery to explore and depict their current and past emotional footprint on the left side of the page and then describe their ideal emotional footprint on the right side of the page.

In addition to using creativity to complete this exercise, it invites participants to imagine what is left in the wake of emotional displays by depicting potential ripple effects.

5. Positive Self-Talk Exercise

Self-talk is one component at the core of emotional intelligence. This exercise invites participants to evaluate their negative self-talk, showing how the words come automatically and then contrasting that by reframing the same incident using normative or positive self-talk.

In addition, participants are directed to write the words they need to hear in the space provided below the exercise. Finally, they are encouraged to write words that may be the root of the negative self-talk on a separate paper and discard it, symbolically releasing the negative energy associated with those words.

5 Best Coaching Questions for Your Sessions

Good coaching questions help move clients to action.

Asking questions is one of the top skills required for effective coaching, along with empathic listening.

1. What is going on for you right now?

This question, posed by Neale et al. (2009), prompts clients to label the emotion they are experiencing at the moment. Labeling an emotion can help frame it and put it into perspective.

2. What energizes you?

This question posed by Orem, Binkert, and Clancy (2007) provides insight into clients’ passions and reveals what motivates them.

3. What information is your emotion giving you?

If we consider the presence of negative emotions as a signal that something needs to be addressed, healed, or protected, this question posed by Greenberg (2015) can lead the client to consider the origins and trigger of the emotion.

4. Where do you feel it in your body?

This question, shared by Tracy Fink, emotional intelligence coach at the Tortoise Institute, allows clients to recognize what is happening in their body, as opposed to just what is happening in their head.

When the emotion is named without judgment, it can be easier to process.

5. What is the difference between how you see yourself and how others see you?

This question by Goleman and Nevarez (2018) helps clients develop self-perception and see how it differs from how others view them, revealing possible blind spots and biases.

3 Best Books on the Topic

Read these recommended books to learn more about emotional intelligence coaching.

1. How to Improve Emotional Intelligence – Sam Reddington

This informative book answers a lot of the questions we have about emotional intelligence. Besides the oft-asked ‘How to improve emotional intelligence,’ questions also include ‘why do we have emotions, ‘what are the implications of low EQ?’ and the thought-provoking ‘can emotional intelligence determine your success and failure in life?’

A great read for those searching for answers.

Find the book on Amazon.

2. Emotional Intelligence Coaching: Improving Performance for Leaders, Coaches, and the Individual – Steve Neale, Lisa Spencer-Arnell, and Liz Wilson

Emotional Intelligence Coaching leads from the perspective that as the EQ coach is practicing, they must also immerse themselves in emotional intelligence, a concept the authors describe as an inter-developmental process.

A central concept in this book is that people work better when they feel better, and people feel better when they possess a robust understanding of the nature and role of emotions in their lives.

This text focuses primarily on organizational settings; however, the many exercises, assessments, vignettes, and activities can also be used in sports, interpersonal, or other coaching applications. The simple format provides a solid foundation for building an EQ coaching practice.

Find the book on Amazon.

3. Appreciative Coaching: A Positive Process for Change – Sara L. Orem, Jacqueline Binkert, and Ann L. Clancy

Appreciative Coaching provides a framework for the coaching process rooted in appreciative inquiry, which encourages clients to access their sense of wonder and enthusiasm for the present and consider future possibilities.

This model uses theory and strength-based practices to effect positive change. Both positive psychology and emotional intelligence concepts are used to drive the coaching process.

Find the book on Amazon.

A Take-Home Message

Emotional intelligence skills are the fertilizer that nourishes human potential, helping individuals grow and flourish.

It takes courage to examine our behavior, particularly when it’s dysfunctional. Fortunately, once we develop awareness, the foundation of EQ, we are on our way to change.

For a coach, homing in on emotional intelligence coaching can discern you from the medley of coaching approaches. It is an amazing avenue to explore that will not only enrich your emotional intelligence but have a lifelong impact on the clients you assist.

A final reminder…

Mental health stigma rests on judgments about people who seek professional help.

Change regarding this perspective is long overdue.

It’s time to celebrate the courage of those who reach out to EQ coaches or therapists to optimize human potential. After all, we are all worth it, and we can all benefit from it.