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Have you ever been making great progress only to get stuck and find your confidence disappears? Or perhaps you’ve achieved a big success that’s been quickly followed by a crash of confidence? Or maybe your confidence just evaporates away slowly over time?
Regardless of how robust we might appear on the outside, we are all vulnerable. We can be especially vulnerable when we’re ambitious and striving to achieve big goals.
Our confidence can easily be knocked by a passing comment from a friend or colleague. Or when we’re working hard to deliver a project quickly or make a change happen and are faced with blockers and negativity. I’ve also known confidence to disappear for no apparent reason. That’s why knowing practical tips for how to gain confidence is a crucial skill.
Then there’s the critical voice in your head that tells you ‘you’re not good enough or ‘you’re going to get found out. The little voice nags away, becomes louder, more insistent, and more toxic until you just want to stick firmly with what you know, and stop pushing forward and getting things done fast because it feels safer to stand still. Only when you stand still does the nagging voice stop chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem.
It turns out that the little nagging voice is a thing. It’s called Imposter Syndrome. It’s a term first coined in 1978 by psychologists, Pauline Clance, and Suzanne Imes.[1] It describes the psychological phenomenon which is characterized by intense feelings of not being good enough, negativity, being a fraud, and that you are going to get found out – even though all the evidence suggests otherwise.
Gaining your confidence back once the little nagging voice takes hold is hard. I see it like this. Every day, you have a bucket of confidence. Every time you get pushback from someone, every time you get a negative comment, or even a disparaging look from the right person, a of your confidence leaks away.
To gain your confidence and increase your self-esteem, you have to put habits in place to keep your confidence bucket full. Every day. I don’t believe that some people have confidence and others don’t. It’s simply that successful people are more accomplished at managing their feelings of self-doubt and silencing that little internal voice before it has a chance to jeopardize them.
“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” — Vincent Van Gogh
Gaining confidence is about keeping your bucket topped up daily. Here are 11 tips to gain confidence and boost your self-esteem:
1. Log Your Achievements
Get yourself a physical notebook or create an online file and log your achievements. Log them all, especially the small ones because they add up.
Keep the good feedback you receive from other people; a thank you from a friend, the well done, a good job email from a manager, or the time your colleagues went the extra mile for you.
Write them down. Writing them down helps you to acknowledge them, which makes you feel good.
In addition, seeing your achievements written down helps you realize how far you’ve come, the positive impact you have every day, and how much you’ve achieved overall. Instead of your ‘to-do list – it’s your ‘I did it!’ list.
2. Call out Your Imposter Syndrome
It’s rather common. 70% of people have had feelings of being inadequate and getting found out at one time or another.
When that little nagging voice telling you that you’re not good enough and anything good that happens to you is luck – call it out. For example, acknowledge that it’s happening and disconnect that annoying voice from the real you, and tell it to shut up.
Your task is to find your way to change the negative story that your inner critic is telling you. Look for evidence to prove what your inner critic is saying is wrong. For example, if you think that you’re a failure, ask yourself, “What evidence is there to support the thought that I’m a failure?” and “What evidence is there that doesn’t support the thought that I’m a failure?”
3. Become a Mentor
Being a mentor isn’t just for very senior and experienced people, there’s always someone that you can help.
Helping someone else can be a very rewarding experience. You’ll learn a lot and you’ll also realize how much value you can bring to others which in turn can help you to gain confidence.
Many industries have some form of mentor program or scheme. If yours doesn’t, why not just go for it and put yourself out there? For example, you could post on your intranet or LinkedIn that you are looking to mentor someone.
4. Accept Compliments
If someone says to you, ‘great job,’ or ‘you look wonderful’ or ‘well done excellent event,’ do you say ‘thank you and feel good, or do you shy away and give someone else credit?
If you shy away from compliments, then stop. Own it and feel good about it. Next time someone pays you a compliment, smile, say thank you, and own the good feeling that goes with that acceptance. (And note it in your achievements log!)
5. Fake It Until You Make It
How you look and behave and how you feel are closely linked. Dress like you mean success.
If you turn up to the office or a meeting looking smart (and smart will mean different things in different contexts), you’re perceived differently than if you turn up looking ready for a casual Sunday afternoon.
I used to work with someone who always wore a suit to work because they were always ready to step up and impress. One day, he had to stand in for his boss at a board meeting. He wouldn’t have been given the opportunity if he hadn’t been dressed for it.
In addition to what you wear, to gain confidence, notice your body language and stand tall, smile, and speak slowly.
6. Ask Why
Get to the root cause of your lack of confidence by asking ‘Why?’ ‘What is causing it?’ When you have identified the ‘why?’ you can start to tackle it.
Often, lack of confidence connects to a lack of or perceived lack of knowledge, so stop focusing on what you don’t know. Concentrate on the things you do know and the value you bring if you want to gain confidence.
7. Look After Yourself
Looking after yourself helps you gain confidence. It’s fundamental to success. Make sure you get more than enough sleep, do regular exercise, and eat healthy food. Make it a habit.
If you feel good, you gain confidence, which inspires you to look after yourself and you create a positive cycle.
8. Be Kind and Generous
Being kind and generous to others makes us feel good, and feeling good helps us to gain confidence.
Linked to this, focus on being grateful for what you have and what has gone well that day. I’d suggest that you start by writing down the things you are grateful for every day and make a deliberate effort to be kind and generous to others at every opportunity. And again, over time this becomes a habit.
9. Be Prepared
The more you practice, the more successful you get. Funny isn’t it?
Gaining confidence is borne out of practice. Be prepared, practice the presentation, read the meeting minutes, and research the person you are meeting.
In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell talks about the practice required to be the master of your skill being 10,000 hours. So start putting the hours in and you will gain confidence.
10. Visualize Your Success
Skip forward to when you have achieved success. Play it out in your mind. The applause and how you feel after that excellent presentation, the phone call after a successful job interview, or fitting into those smaller jeans.
Choose a positive mindset and visualize what you are aiming for. Tell someone else about your goal. As well as helping you to gain confidence, focusing on your success AND telling someone else holds you accountable which means it’s more likely to happen.
11. Get Yourself a Positive Affirmation
Tell yourself that you can do this. Whether you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you ‘can do this’ ‘are amazing’ or ‘going to rock it today,’ find your positive phrase to tell yourself every day to keep your confidence bucket topped up.
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” — Dale Carnegie
And finally, conquer the knowing-doing gap. You’ve now got a stack of practical tactics to gain confidence and boost your self-esteem. Every action you take will add up but it starts with you.
If you want to gain success, take action today. Let me know how you get on!
| [1] | ^ | Psychotherapy Theory Research & Practice: The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention |
