Body language isn’t a mere set of “techniques” or a show to put on for others. It is how you move in this world, and how you move, in many ways, dictates how you feel, what you say, what you strive for, and what you allow to escape your grasp. Just as form follows function, so does your inner life — your emotional state, your confidence, your vivacity — follow what your body is doing.
For instance, when you confidently hold your body, you will actually feel more confident. If you slump your shoulders and hang your head, looking down, your brain will read that as sadness and depression, and you will FEEL sadder and more listless. Furthermore, as is widely shown by research, your body language — by an overwhelming margin — is the most instant and visceral way that people assess who you “really” are.
A weak limp-fish handshake, for example, will immediately cause us to peg someone as ineffectual, unconfident, and untrustworthy. By contrast, someone who crushes your hand and booms their self-introduction will immediately cause us to either cower to power, if we are the subservient type — or see through the bluster and surmise that this fellow is profoundly insecure and overcompensating.
How you move your body is a language of its own and one that others interpret non-stop. And whether you seek more influence and power in your professional life or more intimacy and clarity in your personal or intimate life, self-awareness in your body language is crucial.
As someone who has coached hundreds of people in personal and professional success, let me give you five essential body language “expressions” so you can more easily live the life you desire.
1. Do you show up as open or closed?
In my work around dating and intimacy, I begin by moving people away from right and wrong and more into the language of “open and closed.” For example, does what you say or do “open” the other person’s heart or close it?
Similarly, your body language signals to anybody you encounter, whether your heart or feeling open and receptive, closed and anxious, judgmental, or afraid. “Open” body language signals trust, warmth, solidity, and comfort in being yourself and feels inviting to others. “Closed” body language, by contrast, signals coldness, insecurity, and isolation, and it makes the other person think outside your sphere, pushed away and unaccepted.
So, in what ways can you start cultivating open body language?
A. Do your eyes say “Welcome!” or “Scram!”?
Often the first form of connection with another person will be through eye contact. Squinting suspiciously will convey that you are initially closed to another. In contrast, warm, relaxed eyes and an easy slow smile when you encounter someone will make them feel welcome and accepted.
B. Is your chest open to the other or closed off?
Think about a person with arms crossed tightly over their chest. Do they feel warm, receptive, and friendly? Or were they guarded and judgmental?
Uncrossing your arms and not holding anything in front of you (like a drink, books, or folders) signals that you’re open to interacting with people and ready to face what the world brings whatever it brings. However, when you block your chest (your heart) with folded arms or objects, it may seem like you’re trying to protect yourself from something consciously or not.
C. How is your posture?
Think military posture. Think of an invisibly thin steel cable from the crown of your head straight up to heaven. Think a straight spine. Think eye-level. Think feet planted solidly on the ground, with your weight evenly distributed. This kind of posture conveys strength, solidity, alertness, and confidence. By contrast, if you hunch your shoulders and your head is drooping down if your weight is uneven, you convey a lack of sureness and solidity.
2. What is your voice saying?
Words matter, but the meaning is always dependent upon tonality. In workshops, I have students say “I love you” like a toddler, a murderer, a lovesick schoolboy, and a dying wife. After 50 years of marriage, how you speak matters as much as what you say.
It’s the same with daily expressions such as “No,” or “I disagree.” Try it with multiple emotions, and you’ll see how vital tonality is. If you want to convey authority, practice that with common expressions. If you tend to come off as cold and want to give warmth, practice that. If you’re going to inject positivity into your interactions, add positivity.
Start noticing the tonality of your voice and others, and your life’s social dynamics will start shifting. Importantly, those with whom you interact will see too. This article on Vixen Daily shows you how to use body language to become more well liked by everyone around you.
3. Add a personal touch.
When people communicate, it’s out of a desire to connect — even for a brief moment. To increase the connection people feel with you, try establishing touch. There are many kinds of communication — some of which can feel unwelcome. You may remember George W. Bush’s unwelcome massaging of Angela Merkel’s shoulders.
To create a sense of appropriateness, start slow. Simply high-fiving the person when you both agree on something you like gives them the opportunity to join in the initial touch, which is a two-way interaction rather than forced upon them. Or, at a moment of agreement, laughter, sudden closeness, or understanding, you can briefly touch someone’s upper arm. A simple touch like that is usually not felt intrusive and can quickly deepen the connection you’re having with another person.
Studies show that simple touch increases feelings of goodwill — something that every savvy restaurant server knows. That touch on the shoulder along with the check? According to some studies, it adds between 19–28 percent great tip. Check out this article for insight into the best body language for negotiating with people.
4. Are we far apart or close?
Whether you know it or not, the physical distance that you’re close or far away from a person influences the kind of impact you have on them. The closer you are to a person when you’re communicating, the deeper the connection will be felt between the both of you. If you’re farther away, the lesser the relationship will be.
Of course, the “Seinfeld Rule” holds here — an overly “close talker” can feel inappropriately intrusive. Try modulating your physical distance and see for yourself. Speak to a friend, then get up and slowly distance yourself from your friend as you’re speaking. You’ll feel a psychological difference, and they will too.
Here’s another spatial-intimacy trick of the trade. Instead of standing directly opposite someone, which can create a primal “confrontation” feeling (especially if you are physically larger), try standing to a person’s side and speaking with them, half looking out at the world together. It’ll have both of you feel as if you’re a team.
This article has great body language tips for applying to your life.
5. “Oh! We are alike!”
In our brains, we have what we now know as “mirror neurons.” These mirror neurons help us understand one another and the gestures we make to each other. Simply put, mirror neurons induce us to “mirror back” speech patterns or physical gestures as an unconscious way to create a sense of “tribe” or likeness.
So how can you use them to your advantage to create a sense of connection? Mimic the gestures, keywords, vocal tonality, and pace of speech of the person you’re talking to. Doing this will deepen the connection level between you two because we all have a similarity bias, which means that we tend to like people we find similar.
If the person you’re speaking babbles, try matching that pace. If they use an unusual word like “indubitably,” find a way to work that into your vocabulary while talking with them. If they pound the table while enjoying a joke, do the same. If they lean in to listen closely, you lean in to listen to them.
These may seem like insignificant gestures, but they create a tremendous amount of familiarity and comfort — which is a way of saying primal safety. You may convey all kinds of messages with the words you speak — when you talk — but your body constantly broadcasts frequencies of information about you twenty-four-seven.
Which frequency — friendly or unfriendly, safe or unsafe, authoritative or submissive — do you want to send? These five fundamental body language secrets will speed you toward your goals.
