Toxic positivity happens when people believe that negative thoughts about anything should be avoided. Even in response to events that normally would evoke sadness, such as loss or hardships, positivity is encouraged as a means to cope but tends to overlook and dismiss true expression.[rx]
Toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.
Just like anything done in excess, when positivity is used to cover up or silence the human experience, it becomes toxic. By disallowing the existence of certain feelings, we fall into a state of denial and repressed emotions. The truth is, that humans are flawed. We get jealous, angry, resentful, and greedy. Sometimes life can just flat-out suck. By pretending that we are “positive vibes all day,” we deny the validity of a genuine human experience.
The overgeneralization and encouragement of happy emotions across all areas are referred to as ‘toxic positivity.’ How can positivity be toxic, you may ask? Positivity has a time and place, and if ill-timed or relied on in an inappropriate situation, positivity has the potential to be dangerous. Everything is in moderation.
What Is Toxic Positivity According to Psychology?
Let’s begin with what toxic positivity is not. Toxic positivity is not genuine encouragement at the right time. Toxic positivity is maintaining that one should have a positive mindset and exude only positive emotions and thoughts at all times, particularly when things are difficult. This approach is damaging because it discounts and discredits emotions that are not positive.
Toxic positivity can be described as rejecting, denying, or displacing “any acknowledgement of stress, negativity, and possible disabling features of trauma” (Sokal, Trudel, & Babb, 2020).
Furthermore, Satriopamungkas, Yudani, and Wirawan (2020) define toxic positivity as the constant encouragement and excessive tendency to only see the good side of something and fail to understand the emotion that accompanies the experience.
2 Examples of Toxic Positivity
While refilling your coffee mug in the office break room, a coworker vulnerably shares with you that his dog passed away the previous week. Further, last night he found out his wife has cancer, and he feels as though he may soon lose his job.
You respond, “Think positive thoughts.” Thinking positive thoughts will not help his situation. In fact, these words have now worsened his situation because they invalidated his emotions. This exchange has now ended because this individual is no longer invited to discuss his concerns.
An abuse victim confides with a family member about the physical and mental abuse she has been enduring, and the family member responds, “Be grateful for what you have. You have a husband who takes care of you financially.”
Encouraging a victim of abuse to experience gratitude devalues her cry for help. This toxic positivity could cause even more danger for this individual, who may now view the abuse as inconsequential.
The family member’s poor response may discourage the victim of abuse from facing the reality of her situation (Sinclair, Hart, & Lomas, 2020). This is not only harmful but could be deadly.
2 Fascinating Research Findings on Toxic Positivity
Campbell-Sills, Barlow, Brown, and Hofmann (2006) studied the difference in physiological effects between people who were asked either to suppress or accept their emotions while watching an emotion-provoking film.
Sixty individuals with anxiety or mood disorders took part in this study. The researchers monitored the participants’ subjective distress, heart rate, skin conductance level, and respiratory sinus arrhythmia before, during, and after the film.
The researchers found that while the subjective responses were equal in both groups, the participants who were asked to suppress their emotions showed an increased heart rate following the film. Higher levels of negative affect, lower levels of positive affect, poorer social adjustment, and decreased well-being have been linked to repeated suppression of emotions, as these researchers have concluded.
Positive self-statements were examined by Wood, Perunovic, and Lee (2009) in three interrelated studies and were found to have the most impact on individuals with low self-esteem. Astonishingly, the impact was negative.
Using the self-comparison theory (Talaifar & Swann, 2020) as a lens, positive self-statements may contradict an individual’s self-view, causing the individual to reject the statement or hold onto their original preconception of themselves. In summary, positive self-statements may be beneficial for some people but detrimental to others.
How to Avoid Using Toxic Positivity
Empathy is an essential element in any relationship, and we need to meet people where they are in terms of their emotions.
Perpetually having a “good vibes only” mantra devalues people’s emotions and sends the message of rejection, which can be dangerous to relationships.
Why do we sometimes resort to toxic positivity? Because sometimes we just don’t have the right words to say to the person struggling with the negative emotion.
Adjusting the language we use can help us avoid toxic positivity. One should refrain from using phrases such as “it could be worse,” “look on the bright side,” and “be thankful for what you have.” While these positive phrases may seem helpful in encouraging a positive mindset, they could, in fact, be harmful if used at an inappropriate time or for specific events.
See the Harmful to Helpful Toxic Positivity Phrases worksheet listing phrases to avoid using and suggested replacement phrases we can use instead. One should refrain from using statements in the first column and instead use the example responses in the second column, particularly when responding to those who confide negative emotions in the workplace and in personal relationships.
To build on this response, suggestions in the third column are particularly helpful for those in a position of authority, such as a teacher or supervisor, and when talking to people with depression.
Considering relationships, both professional and personal, toxic positivity may deter the individual from sharing future struggles with you. It would be deleterious to a coworker’s career if you said that their bombed presentation was “just terrific” and told her, “don’t worry that it offended most of the audience.” Alternatively, you may say, “I know the feeling. Would you like to rehearse our next presentations with each other?”
Perhaps reviewing these Resilience & Adversity Quotes will help you avoid toxic positivity and instead encourage resilience. These quotes help to explain the importance of negative emotions and how to use them to empower yourself.
Forms of Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity can take a wide variety of forms. Some examples you may have encountered in your own life:
- When something bad happens, such as losing your job, people tell you to “just stay positive” or “look on the bright side.” While such comments are often meant to be sympathetic, they can also be a way of shutting down anything you might want to say about what you are experiencing.
- After experiencing some type of loss, people tell you that “everything happens for a reason.” While people often make such statements because they believe they are comforting, it is also a way of avoiding someone else’s pain.
- When you express disappointment or sadness, someone tells you that “happiness is a choice.” This suggests that if you are feeling negative emotions, then it’s your own fault for not “choosing” to be happy.
Such statements are often well-intentioned—people just don’t know what else to say and don’t know how to be empathetic. Still, it is important to recognize that these responses can be harmful.
At their best, such statements come off as trite platitudes that let you off the hook so you don’t have to deal with other people’s feelings. At their worst, these comments end up shaming and blaming people who are often dealing with incredibly difficult situations.
Toxic positivity denies people the authentic support that they need to cope with what they are facing.
Why It’s Harmful
Toxic positivity can actually harm people who are going through difficult times. Rather than being able to share genuine human emotions and gain unconditional support, people find their feelings dismissed, ignored, or outright invalidated.
- It’s shaming: When someone is suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid, but that they can find relief and love in their friends and family. Toxic positivity tells people that the emotions they are feeling are unacceptable.
- It causes guilt: It sends a message that if you aren’t finding a way to feel positive, even in the face of tragedy, that you are doing something wrong.
- It avoids authentic human emotion: Toxic positivity functions as an avoidance mechanism. When other people engage in this type of behavior, it allows them to sidestep emotional situations that might make them feel uncomfortable. But sometimes we turn these same ideas on ourselves, internalizing these toxic ideas. When we feel difficult emotions, we then discount, dismiss, and deny them.
- It prevents growth: It allows us to avoid feeling things that might be painful, but it also denies us the ability to face challenging feelings that can ultimately lead to growth and deeper insight.
The “positive vibes only” mantra can be particularly grating during times of intense personal distress. When people are coping with situations such as financial troubles, job loss, illness, or the loss of a loved one, being told that they need to look on the bright side can seem downright cruel.
It is possible to be optimistic in the face of difficult experiences and challenges. But people going through trauma don’t need to be told to stay positive or feel that they are being judged for not maintaining a sunny outlook.
Signs
Toxic positivity can often be subtle, but by learning to recognize the signs can help you better identify this type of behavior. Some signs include:
- Brushing off problems rather than facing them
- Feeling guilty about being sad, angry, or disappointed
- Hiding your true feelings behind feel-good quotes that seem more socially acceptable
- Hiding or disguising how you really feel
- Minimizing other people’s feelings because they make you uncomfortable
- Shaming other people when they don’t have a positive attitude
- Trying to be stoic or “get over” painful emotions
- Hiding/Masking your true feelings
- Trying to “just get on with it” by stuffing/dismissing an emotion(s)
- Feeling guilty for feeling what you feel
- Minimizing other people’s experiences with “feel good” quotes or statements
- Trying to give someone perspective (e.g., “it could be worse”) instead of validating their emotional experience
- Shaming or chastising others for expressing frustration or anything other than positivity
- Brushing off things that are bothering you with an “It is what it is”
How to Avoid Toxic Positivity
If you’ve been affected by toxic positivity—or if you recognize this kind of behavior in yourself— there are things that you can do to develop a healthier, more supportive approach. Some ideas include:
- Manage your negative emotions, but don’t deny them. Negative emotions can cause stress when unchecked,1 but they can also provide important information that can lead to beneficial changes in your life.
- Be realistic about what you should feel. When you are facing a stressful situation, it’s normal to feel stressed, worried, or even fearful. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Focus on self-care and taking steps that can help improve your situation.
- It’s okay to feel more than one thing. If you are facing a challenge, it’s possible to feel nervous about the future and also hopeful that you will succeed. Your emotions are as complex as the situation itself.
- Focus on listening to others and showing support. When someone expresses a difficult emotion, don’t shut them down with toxic platitudes. Instead, let them know that what they are feeling is normal and that you are there to listen.
- Notice how you feel. Following “positive” social media accounts can sometimes serve as a source of inspiration but pay attention to how you feel after you view and interact with such content. If you are left with a sense of shame or guilt after seeing “uplifting” posts, it might be due to toxic positivity. In such cases, consider limiting your social media consumption.
How toxic positivity affects you
Sometimes, forcing positivity may not be in response to someone else’s misfortune but our own.
It’s normal and understandable to not want to deal with your negative emotions sometimes. But if you’re regularly forcing a positive outlook on yourself when your feelings are the opposite, it can take a toll on your mental health.
“Some research suggests that people who avoid their own negative emotions just feel worse later on,” Kirkland says.
Basically, if you keep ghosting your own emotions, they’ll keep coming back to haunt you until you finally deal with them.
Alternatives to toxic positivity
Kirkland regularly teaches a happiness psychology class for undergraduates, and what she has learned from the experience is that true positivity is about more than just internal emotions — it’s affected by our relationship with ourselves and others, as well as our relationship to our community and the world around us.
True happiness doesn’t come from suppressing negative emotions and touting feel-good statements, Kirkland says, but rather leaning into what we’re authentically feeling in the moment and accepting all of our emotions, both positive and negative.
“Some people think being happy or being a happy person means you don’t feel bad, but that’s silly: We all have a full emotional life. There’s more to happiness than feeling good all the time,” Kirkland says.
Here are some ways to cultivate true positivity in your life — and nix the toxic positivity for good.
Practice mindfulness
Being mindful and in the moment is the first step toward living a full emotional life, Kirkland says.
Give mindfulness a try by simply taking a quiet moment to notice how you’re feeling and what’s going on in your body and mind. Don’t focus on any single thought or sensation; instead, notice everything.
If you notice any negativity, don’t judge yourself for it — just make a note of it and move on. It’s important to notice our negative feelings and acknowledge the information they are giving us without losing ourselves in them.
It can be helpful to start learning how to be mindful when you’re calm, Kirkland recommends, especially if you’re new to it. That way, when you’re in a more emotional state, you will already have the skills needed to work through it.
Recognize that emotions are tools
One approach to mindfulness is to look at emotions as tools or information, rather than focusing only on how they make you feel.
“All emotions are functional and have a purpose. They are a signal to the person experiencing them or the person being communicated to,” Kirkland explains.
Negative emotions like anger or fear serve to alert us about potential danger or threat, whereas positive emotions like happiness foster connection and opportunities to be creative.
Admit your interpersonal mistakes
Whether in the moment or after the fact, if you realize you dismissed a loved one’s negative emotions or cut them off with toxic positivity when they were trying to confide in you, own up to the mistake and apologize.
We all make mistakes, so try not to get down on yourself if you notice that something you said sounded insensitive or dismissive. The best thing you can do it recognize that and ask your loved one how you can better respond next time.
Clarify your needs
Sometimes, people may respond to our expression of emotion in a way that isn’t helpful, not because they don’t want to help but because they make assumptions about how they should respond, such as offering advice when advice isn’t wanted.
One way to avoid this is to start the conversation by being clear about your needs — for example, that you’re looking for empathy rather than advice.
“Clarify your purpose by reinstating your intention for conversation,” Kirkland recommends.
Stating what you want from the interaction can help the other person, too, by encouraging them to relax and respond more authentically.
With close friends or family, it’s OK to discuss how their words aren’t helpful if you’re comfortable having that conversation. If the person is someone you want to be able to confide in and want to have an authentic relationship with, being honest will only strengthen your bond ultimately, even if it makes things uncomfortable in the moment.
If you’re talking with a co-worker or acquaintance, however, and aren’t as invested in the relationship, you may not want to engage with their toxic positivity at all. In this case, it’s OK to politely excuse yourself from the conversation.
If you have kids, teach them how to express all emotions
Modeling expressing a full range of emotions — and talking openly about them — is important when around kids to help ensure they grow up learning how to deal with their own feelings, rather than avoiding them.
Inevitably, the young people in your life will at some point express their anger, sadness or frustration. When they do, avoid simply telling them to stop crying or yelling. Instead, talk with them about how they’re feeling and why they might be feeling that way, and what you both can do to resolve the issue.
Be open about your own feelings with them, too. If, say, you’re frustrated about something and lose your patience and snap at your kid, make sure after you’ve cooled off to explain that you lost your temper and you’re sorry for it.
Let yourself feel your feelings
This is straightforward, though it’s often harder to accomplish than it seems. We often have excuses for not engaging with our complicated emotions: We’re too busy to deal with them, we don’t want to be distressed, and we don’t want to upset others.
Remember, though, that your negative feelings won’t go away unless you eventually deal with them. So acknowledge them, try to understand where they might be coming from, and think about what you can do to address them.
It’s important not to prioritize more positive emotions over negative ones, Kirkland says. All emotions offer you useful information about how you are doing in the world, and all are equally valid.
How to Process Emotions and Provide Support
People who exude positivity and ignore negativity often mean well. They may think they’re offering encouragement and support, or they may not know what to say during a difficult conversation and wind up saying the wrong thing.
While toxic positivity may not be ill-intentioned, it can still be unproductive and hurtful. People may feel like their emotions are dismissed or like the other person doesn’t understand, care, or empathize. This can prevent them from being vulnerable and sharing their struggles in the future.
Relationships are built on vulnerability, trust, and authenticity. It’s key to understanding how to acknowledge and support other people’s emotional experiences.
How do I avoid expressing toxic positivity?
To avoid toxic positivity, try to acknowledge, accept, and reframe negative emotions. For example, instead of saying, “Think positive,” say something like, “The way you’re feeling is valid. How can I help you?” The same approach can be applied to your own thoughts.
If you consistently have trouble in this domain, it may be worth exploring the topic with a therapist. For example, do you feel guilt or shame about certain emotions? Do you avoid conflict at all costs? Do you lack confidence in your ability to solve problems? These questions and others can unearth the reasons for these tendencies and the skills to change them.
How can I process difficult emotions?
Acknowledge your feelings to yourself; try to explore them with curiosity and acceptance rather than judgment. It can also help to journal or share your experience with a trusted friend or family member. Probe where these feelings come from and what they mean; meaning-making can help people accept difficult emotions and build resilience. Then reflect on how you might be able to change the situation. In the meantime, coping skills like mindfulness, deep breathing, and journaling can help. If needed, seek support from a mental health professional.
How can I validate someone’s negative emotions?
Acknowledging and validating the emotional experiences of those we care about is one of the most helpful things we can do for them. If someone is struggling, examples of validating and supportive responses include:
- I’m sorry that you have to go through this.”
- Describe what you’re feeling, I’m listening.”
- I can see that you’re stressed.”
- Is there anything I can do to be helpful?”
- I’m here for you, no matter what.”
- Be kind to yourself.”
How do I help someone who denies their negative emotions?
If toxic positivity is affecting someone to the point that they are denying important information, such as mistreatment in a relationship, you may want to share your concerns. You can explain that you are worried that their positivity may be verging on denial. Prepare a few examples so that you can discuss concrete cases and demonstrate the pattern of behavior. Be gentle and calm, and emphasize that you’re raising the topic because you care about them.
5 Interesting Books on the Topic
A few well-known books have been written on the subject, and we briefly mention a few:
1. Toxic Positivity – Theo Tucker
In the foreword, Tucker commands the reader’s attention when describing a situation where toxic positivity could have cost someone their life.
The author recounts a time when he was headed to conduct a Bible study at church. He approached a gentleman who was visibly upset after ending a call on a payphone. He asked the man if he was okay, and the man responded, “No.”
Tucker could have thrown out an empty positive phrase to diffuse the scene; however, what he did next may very well have saved the man’s life. Tucker elicited the help of a nearby elder.
This elder was able to talk to the gentleman and found that he planned to take his life in the parking lot. Things could have ended very differently had toxic positivity been used. Tucker analyzes five seemingly harmless phrases and explains what makes them toxic, offering suggestions for what to say instead.
Find the book on Amazon.
- T. R. Tucker II (Author)
- 11/25/2020 (Publication Date) - Blurb (Publisher)
2. Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America – Barbara Ehrenreich
Positive phrases do not pay the mortgage, nor do they cure cancer. Author Barbara Ehrenreich describes toxic positivity as a “reckless optimism” when she was confronted with optimistic statements following her diagnosis of breast cancer.
She explains that it is important to prepare ourselves for life’s challenges, and the ever-cheerful outlook that seems to be taking over America cannot accomplish this. Ehrenreich begs for a change in this cultural attitude.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Ehrenreich, Barbara (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 256 Pages - 08/03/2010 (Publication Date) - Picador (Publisher)
3. Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life – Susan David
Dr. Susan David introduces emotional agility as what differentiates people who master challenges from people who are thwarted by them.
Dr. David’s life work of studying emotions, happiness, and achievement led her to develop the idea of emotional agility. She defines emotional agility as accepting difficult emotions, making slight changes, and adapting to the presented challenge.
This book explains the importance of experiencing negative emotions and how to turn those experiences into success.
Find the book on Amazon.
4. Manage My Emotions: What I Wish I’d Learned in School About Anger, Fear and Love – Kenneth Martz
This four-part book not only acknowledges both positive and negative emotions, it also helps readers understand their emotions, leading to a purpose-driven life based on true emotional needs.
Additionally, Dr. Kenneth Martz provides effective self-assessment exercises that support the reader in developing the ability to control emotions and limit the effect of ‘less comfortable emotions.’
These include 8 powerful ways to conquer fear, 14 thoughtful tools to manage anger, and 12 simple exercises to quiet one’s worry.
This book gives an excellent insight into understanding emotions, which is helpful in combating toxic positivity.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Amazon Kindle Edition
- Martz, Kenneth (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 235 Pages - 08/29/2020 (Publication Date) - Bowker (Publisher)
5. Be Positive: Fuck Toxic Positivity – Briah Fleming
Pardon the language of the title; however, this book provides daily affirmations that encourage the reader to create peace and happiness in the way they think, speak, and act, all the while discouraging the “good vibes only” catchphrase.
The affirmations were created to be read, meditated on, and lived by. These mantras are intended to replace the use of toxic positivity.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Fleming, Briah (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 49 Pages - 09/09/2019 (Publication Date) - Independently published (Publisher)
Top 4 Podcasts & TED Talks
Let’s take the discussion further with these audio channels:
Dr. Susan David with Brené Brown on the dangers of toxic positivity
Brené Brown sits down with Dr. Susan David, presenter of the TED Talk “The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage,” to discuss the negative effects of toxic positivity.
Dr. David shares her very personal experience of how positivity was forced upon her as a child following her father’s diagnosis of terminal cancer and her family’s struggle following his death.
That year, her grade school teacher exercised a monumental activity for her class. Dr. David was handed a blank journal and told to “tell the truth, and write like no one is reading.” This ongoing activity allowed an outlet for Dr. David and enabled her to organize and understand the emotions she was experiencing, despite the toxic positivity she was being exposed and subjected to.
Access this podcast episode.
How much is too much?
Dr. Allison Niebes-Davis describes toxic positivity as the minimization and invalidation of some of life’s more painful moments.
As she delineates positivity from toxic positivity, she notes the importance of feeling, expressing, and validating negative emotions. She references the “good vibes only” saying and notes how dangerous this thinking really is.
How Toxic Positivity Leads to More Suffering
Mahmoud Khedr shares how toxic positivity causes more suffering than good. Khedr’s personal struggles with mental health, which almost led him to suicide, helped him to conclude that positivity can be toxic in some forms.
He paints a vivid picture of the failures of positivity in inappropriate times. For example, Khedr asks an audience member to imagine that after breaking their arm, Khedr responded, “Just be happy!” instead of taking them to the hospital.
The Problem With Positivity
Tiffany Yu begins the presentation by sharing her experience of taking a step back from her overly positive Instagram posts during the wildfires in California and the realization that these posts did not truly reflect how she was actually feeling.
More personally, she shares her experience of internalized toxic positivity. As a child, she was involved in a car accident that killed her father. She believed that by admitting to the car accident and expressing her emotions, she would bring shame to herself and her family.
She later learned that because of hiding these feelings and failing to acknowledge her emotions, she had developed post-traumatic stress disorder. Additionally, she reaffirms the importance of empathy and asserts that relationships are built and become stronger during the vulnerable moments that we share
Conclusion
Positivity can be mind-altering. But delivering positivity disingenuously or during unsuitable times can cause toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity in the workplace can damage relationships and business productivity. Martin Seligman’s Theory of Authentic Happiness demonstrates the necessity for negativity. The premise of this theory is that authentic happiness involves developing one’s strengths (Mageed & Mohamed, 2020).
To develop strengths, you must know your needs for improvement. With only positive statements, there is no room for constructive feedback, which is crucial for advancement.
Besides the workplace, an educator must give students feedback, both positive and negative. Likewise, during parent-teacher conferences, the teacher must remain honest while tactfully sharing constructive feedback about the student. Toxic positivity shared during a parent-teacher conference could lead to future problems if the parent only finds out their child is failing after the school year is over.
Positivity isn’t bad.
It is only harmful if it is disingenuously encouraged and when it dismisses other emotions. Thinking positively and encouraging positive vibes has its time and place; however, perhaps we should consider modifying the mantra “good vibes only” to “any vibe accepted” when listening to others and considering our own emotions.
