Forgiveness

Forgiveness, in a psychological sense, is the intentional and voluntary process by which one who may initially feel victimized, undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding a given offense, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and a desire for vengeance (however justified it might be). Theorists differ, however, in the extent to which they believe forgiveness also implies replacing the negative emotions with positive attitudes (i.e. an increased ability to wish the offender well). In certain legal contexts, forgiveness is a term for absolving or giving up all claims on account of debt, loan, obligation, or other claims.^[rx][rx]

Forgiving someone who has done us harm or forgiving ourselves when we’ve made a mistake is perhaps the most critical step in healing and moving on.

Although we don’t often talk about forgiveness as a learned behavior, research reminds us that we can cultivate and execute it with practice. And for therapists, helping our clients to forgive themselves and others can put them on track toward self-healing, self-empowerment, and self-liberation.

Read on for an exploration of the clinical application of forgiveness and resources for further learning.

What Is Forgiveness in Strength Psychology?

Strength psychology researchers have worked to define forgiveness. Forgiveness is not forgetting or condoning the harm that has been done; instead, it is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment (Sanjay, Singh, & Hooda, 2019).

An older and more passive version of forgiveness is merely letting bygones be bygones: to allow time to pass as the injury becomes less relevant to everyday life. Instead, strength psychology uses the idea of radical forgiveness, in which the injured person makes a deep commitment to releasing the past (Sanjay et al., 2019).

Radical forgiveness involves a dual notion of taking concrete steps to forgive the offender, while also surrendering to the flow of life and ascribing meaning to the suffering experienced. Compared to passive forgiveness, radical forgiveness can occur more rapidly and concretely, but it also takes more energy and guidance.

Ultimately, forgiveness in strength psychology is about freedom for the injured person. Through gaining a more balanced view of the offender and the event, the individual can let go of the weight of negative emotions and the desire to punish and avenge.

The goal is not necessarily to restore the relationship or achieve reconciliation – however, these can certainly be positive outcomes – it is instead to restore personal wellbeing and balance to the injured person’s life.

Is Forgiveness Important? 5 Benefits

Is forgiveness important?

It depends on who you ask and the culture in which you live.

• Healthier relationships
• Improved mental health
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• A stronger immune system
• Improved heart health
• Improved self-esteem

If we take a look at the United States, it is evident by the number of people serving life sentences in prisons that forgiveness is not highly valued, at least not by the criminal justice system.

Research is increasingly showing the benefits of forgiveness, and therapeutic interventions have been developed to help individuals heal themselves through the process of forgiveness. We’ll get to that later on in this post. For now, let’s talk about five benefits of forgiveness.

1. Forgiveness reduces negative affect

Holding a grudge feels terrible. According to recent meta-analyses on the effects of forgiveness therapy, forgiveness helped to minimize aspects of negative affect such as depression, anger, hostility, stress, and distress (Akhtar & Barlow, 2018).

2. Forgiveness promotes positive affect

Forgiveness can do a lot more than make us feel less bad. It can also increase our general levels of happiness, satisfaction, and compassion (Akhtar & Barlow, 2018).

3. Forgiveness provides freedom

People who cannot or do not forgive are often trapped in a storm of negative emotions and, at the extreme, may devote their entire lives to avenging their hurt. Forgiveness can provide freedom from an endless quest for revenge.

4. Forgiveness heals individuals

When you forgive someone, it is not always necessary to tell them about it. In this way, forgiveness can be solely for the healing and empowerment of the injured person.

5. Forgiveness can heal relationships

Sometimes the person who has committed the offense is an important or irreplaceable loved one. In cases where the injured individual wants to preserve their relationship, forgiveness may be the path toward this goal.

3 Examples of Forgiveness

Below we will share astounding real-life examples of forgiveness that will inspire you.

1. Eva Mozes Kor

Eva Mozes Kor is a survivor of the Auschwitz concentration camp. She and her twin sister were experimented on by Dr. Josef Mengele.

Almost 50 years after her liberation from the camp, Eva decided to forgive her torturer, in an act she described as “self-empowerment, self-healing, and self-liberation.” Eva Mozes Kor reminds us that we cannot change what happened, but we can change how we relate to it.

2. Sue Klebold

Sue Klebold is the mother of one of the shooters in the Columbine school shooting of 1999. Her story is one of seeking forgiveness both from the family members of her son’s victims and from herself for her perceived failure as a parent.

Klebold underwent a reconciliation process with the victims’ families and received a mixed reaction: while certain members found solace in forgiving her, others held fast to their anger. In her search for self-forgiveness, Klebold has dedicated her energy to educating others about mental illness and suicide.

3. Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger

Tom Stranger raped Thordis Elva when they were dating in high school. At the time, neither saw what occurred as rape, but after years of shame and self-blame, Elva decided to take action.

Elva saw forgiveness as her path to freedom and contacted Stranger. The two of them then underwent a process of communication and reconciliation. They share their story to help others find their paths toward healing and forgiveness.

Both of their stories are told here:

Forgiveness Therapy: 3 Techniques to Help Clients

Forgiveness therapy is a subtype of therapy that focuses specifically on helping clients forgive and move on.

There are many different types of forgiveness therapy, a few of which we will explore here, but they fall into two distinct categories: process-based and decision-based interventions (Akhtar & Barlow, 2018).

The two different camps’ critical distinctions are that process-based forgiveness interventions take place over a more extended period and use cognitive, behavioral, and affective strategies.

In contrast, decision-based forgiveness interventions are significantly shorter (sometimes only one session) and involve primarily cognitive strategies and a commitment to do the work of forgiving outside of the session (Akhtar & Barlow, 2018).

Regardless of which model is used, 12 or more forgiveness therapy sessions seem to be most effective (Akhtar & Barlow, 2018). The following models have been deemed adequate for a wide variety of interpersonal hurts across diverse groups of clients (Akhtar & Barlow, 2018).

Enright Model intervention

A popular process-based intervention is called the Enright Model (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2000). This is a structured intervention that consists of 20 units and four phases.

• In the first phase – uncovering – the client is helped to understand the psychological defenses at work within them, recognize and acknowledge the anger they feel, and evaluate the psychological harm caused by the offense.
• In the second phase – decision making – the possibility of forgiveness as a response is explored, followed by a commitment to forgive.
• In the third phase – cognitive reframing of the offense – the client is helped to develop empathy for the offender and accept the pain experienced.
• In the final phase – deepening – clients are helped to find meaning in their suffering. (Akhtar & Barlow, 2018).

REACH Model

A type of decision-making forgiveness intervention is the REACH Model (Worthington, 2001). REACH is an acronym that describes the five steps of forgiveness involved in the intervention.

• First, participants recall (R) the hurt.
• Second, they develop empathy (E) for the offender.
• Third, participants reframe forgiveness as an altruistic (A) gift for the offender.
• Fourth, they commit (C) to forgive, and
• In the final step, they learn to hold on to (H) forgiveness (Akhtar & Barlow, 2018).

Forgiveness letter

Another example of a decision-based forgiveness intervention is one developed by McCullough and Worthington (1995). It is a brief forgiveness intervention, consisting of a single session in which the client decides to forgive.

The client then writes a letter of forgiveness to the offender. This intervention is markedly shorter than the others and has the effect of starting the process of forgiveness with the client, leaving them to continue the work on their own.

3 Useful Worksheets and Exercises

Radical acceptance is the realization that we cannot control others’ behavior, but we can control our reaction to the things that happen to us. It is a commitment to accept whatever situation comes to us, no matter how unpleasant. Only then can we take action, such as forgiveness. Use our Radical Acceptance Worksheet to help your clients develop this vital skill.

As you will read in our next section, children need help with forgiveness. Empathy is a teachable skill that will help children not only to forgive, but also to understand why it is important to forgive. Our What is Empathy Worksheet is useful for teaching children to develop this quality, helping them take a big step toward forgiveness.

Often we feel hurt when someone violates one of our “internal rules.” These rules can be adaptive or harmful and rigid, but it is essential to understand our rules. Forgiveness is a useful option when one of our rules has been violated. Our Cataloging Your Inner Rules worksheet can help you or your client understand where the hurt is so that the forgiving and healing process can begin.

Please see the final section of this post for more forgiveness-related activities and worksheets from our Toolkit.

Teaching Forgiveness to Kids

Since forgiveness is a learned behavior, it seems essential to teach it to children from an early age.

Most of us could use a basic education in forgiveness, so what follows does not apply only to children.

Jamie Perillo, LPC, (2018) makes several suggestions to help kids learn to forgive. First, it is important to help the child make the distinction between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving does not mean condoning or encouraging the behavior.

Many adults also struggle with this particular aversion to forgetting, which stems from the fear that it will be more likely to happen again if they forgive the action. Instead, help the child see forgiveness as a way of saying, “I do not like what you did, but I will forgive you because it does not help me to hold on to these bad feelings” (Perillo, 2018).

Before helping the child forgive their offender, it is important to help them understand what has happened. To do this, help the child identify the feelings that they are experiencing because of the offense. Ask them to name the feeling. Helping the child identify the feeling can help them own their forgiveness rather than do it because they are told (Perillo, 2018).

Next, give the child something concrete to do. Perhaps this is talking directly to the offender. In other cases, a less direct approach may be warranted. For example, writing a letter explaining their hurt feelings and offering forgiveness, and then ripping it up can provide a release for the child (Perillo, 2018).

Made a Mistake? 3 Ways to Forgive Yourself

Self-forgiveness is a powerful action. It can have an effect in even the most extreme situations, including decreasing depression and suicide and increasing help-seeking behaviors and general mental wellbeing in firefighters and military veterans (Carpenter et al., 2020).

If self-forgiveness can work for the individuals working in these intense professions, there is a good chance that it can help both you and your clients. Try these three ways to forgive yourself (Snow, 1993):

1. Recognize and acknowledge that humans are complex and flawed beings.

There is not a person in the history of this world that hasn’t made a mistake. The recognition that making mistakes is a basic part of human nature can help you contextualize your mistakes and forgive yourself.

2. Reframe self-forgiveness as a step toward self-improvement.

Self-forgiveness does not need to occur in a moral context and can be used for self-improvement.

A potent example of this is a football player who fumbles the football (Snow, 1993). This player is bound to be filled with negative emotions after committing the error but has to make a quick recovery to still do their best on the next play. Self-forgiveness is a way to shed the negative emotions that hold us back to improve as we go along.

3. Consider self-forgiveness as second best to interpersonal forgiveness.

Sometimes interpersonal forgiveness is not possible or inappropriate, such as when the offended individual unreasonably withholds forgiveness or when the offense committed overcomes the individual’s capacity for forgiveness (Snow, 1993).

In these cases, negative emotions persist despite attempts at forgiveness, and self-forgiveness can be considered a second-best alternative. It is second best because it is one sided. It cannot repair the relationship, but it can restore feelings of personal wholeness. When forgiveness cannot occur, try self-forgiveness.

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you’re a grudge holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you’re unforgiving, you might:

• Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present
• Become depressed or anxious
• Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs
• Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:

• Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
• Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what
• Consider joining a support group or seeing a counselor
• Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behavior, and work to release them
• Choose to forgive the person who’s offended you
• Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.

What happens if I can’t forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who’s hurt you doesn’t admit wrong. If you find yourself stuck:

• Practice empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person’s point of view.
• Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
• Reflect on times you’ve hurt others and on those who’ve forgiven you.
• Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you’ve found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
• Be aware that forgiveness is a process, and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.

Tips and Affirmations for Forgiving Your Faults

Forgiving yourself is difficult work.

If you have done something that you cannot forget, you may feel trapped and without options. Remember that there are many things you can do to help you move forward.

Here are some useful tips for forgiving yourself:

1. Remember that self-forgiveness is an act of strength, not weakness.
2. Self-forgiveness is always an option, even when someone will not forgive you.
3. Self-forgiveness does not need to come at the expense of other actions, such as making amends or learning from your mistakes. It may increase your ability to take these steps.

If your mind still keeps turning over what happened, like a washing machine stuck in its cycle, try repeating these affirmations to yourself:

1. I forgive myself for my past decisions and actions.
2. I release anger, shame, guilt, and embarrassment.
3. I trust myself to learn from this and build a better future.

3 Inspiring TED Talks and Videos

Let’s explore the concept of forgiveness and its application with a few fitting videos.

1. What Comes After Tragedy? Forgiveness, by Azim Khamisa and Ples Felix

This incredible story of two men who turned tragedy into forgiveness, and then turned their energies toward promoting forgiveness in society, is inspiring. If these men can forgive each other and work together for good, so can we all.

2. Why Forgiveness Is Worth It, by Sarah Montana

This TEDx Talk on forgiveness defines one person’s journey not to let one tragic moment define her entire life. In her speech, Sarah Montana described forgiveness as “designed to set you free,” saying to her offender, “I can heal myself, and I don’t need anything from you.”

3. The Mothers Who Found Forgiveness, Friendship by Aicha Al-Wafi and Phyllis Rodriguez

These two mothers, one whose son was killed in the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks, the other whose son was convicted of a role in the attacks, tell their story of finding freedom and connection through forgiveness.

2 Books on the Topic

If you want to know more about this topic, there is nothing quite like a good book. We share two recommended reads:

1. Helping Clients Forgive: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope – Robert Enright and Richard Fitzgibbons

This book was written by two of the pioneers of forgiveness work in psychotherapy.

This book is a helpful primer for any therapist hoping to help their clients forgive.

The book will help you realize when forgiveness is an appropriate client goal and how to introduce and explain forgiveness to your client. It also includes concrete exercises to help you get your client there.

Find the book on Amazon.

2. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World – Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu

Written by the Chair of the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Archbishop Tutu’s work helping to heal his country post-apartheid culminates in this book, which helps us realize that we are all capable of transformation and healing.

The book defines forgiveness as understanding that every one of us is inherently good and inherently flawed.

This is an especially interesting read for those interested in world politics and forgiveness on a societal scale.

Find the book on Amazon.

A Take-Home Message

Forgiveness can be many things. In therapy, it often represents an act of individual freedom or a method of relationship repair. The concept is versatile and has many benefits for mental health and personal wellbeing.

When working with clients, it is essential to remember that forgiveness may not always be appropriate or wanted. Remember to give your client-agency in the process, and let them be the one who decides they should forgive.