Genetics provide part of the story (Horsburgh, Schermer, Veselka, & Vernon, 2009). The rest of who we are is explained by our environment, how we grew up, and what we are learning right now.
We have the potential to change. Our empathy is not fixed; it can be developed.
This article looks at how empathy grows throughout our formative years and offers a set of exercises that can be used with clients to develop it further.
How Are Empathy Developed? 5 Stages and 5 Factors
Empathy is an integral part of emotional and social development and an essential motivator for helping those in distress. In a very literal sense, it is the “ability to feel or imagine another person’s emotional experience” (McDonald & Messinger, 2011).
While initially it was thought that empathy did not develop in young children, research into their response to others’ distress has shown otherwise.
Below we discuss some of the development stages and factors that influence empathy, drawing on research performed at the University of Miami (McDonald & Messinger, 2011).
Stages of empathy development
Newborns: when newborns hear other infants crying, they frequently exhibit signs of distress, known as reflexive crying or emotional contagion.
Their behavior suggests a precursor to empathy and a predisposition to others’ negative emotions, rather than an unthinking reaction to noise.
Infants: infants exhibit concern for others. However, as any parent knows, they have difficulty regulating their emotions and often become overwhelmed by others’ feelings.
Toddlers: between the ages of 14 and 36 months, children begin to show clear signs of the emotional components of empathy, including apologizing, showing concern for others, and offering help. In a very real way, they begin to ‘try on’ others’ experiences, whether seen on TV, with friends, or in a family situation.
Early childhood: as children begin their early school years, they not only experience others’ emotional states but also start to imagine their experiences. Referred to by psychologists and philosophers as the theory of mind, they begin to see themselves and others in terms of emotions, feelings, and desires (Wellman, Cross, & Watson, 2001).
Middle childhood into adulthood: significant developments in empathy are seen from middle childhood to adulthood that forms part of a broader prosocial personality trait. Indeed, the development of early prosocial behavior, such as empathic concern and perspective taking, motivates helping behavior (McDonald & Messinger, 2011).
Factors of empathy development
There are many factors involved in the early and rapid development of empathy.
Genetic: twin research has consistently implicated the importance of heredity in the development of empathy, accounting for between one-third and one-half of the variation found in children (Knafo, Zahn-Waxler, Van Hulle, Robinson, & Rhee, 2008).
Neurodevelopmental factors: mirror neurons in the animal and human brain, which reflect other people’s emotions, may provide a neurological basis for connecting others’ experiences with our own. Check out Vilayanur Ramachandran’s excellent TED Talk for an overview (Ramachandran, 2009).
Temperament: our personality is an essential factor in how we develop empathy. For example, fearful and shy children appear less likely to engage in empathic behavior in unfamiliar situations.
Mimicry and imitation: facial mimicry begins in early infancy and appears to be linked to internalizing others’ emotional experiences.
Parenting: the socializing influence of parents and caregivers on young children is considerable and further impacts empathy. Feldman (2007) found that increased matching behaviors during play in infancy led to more empathy displays in later life.
Other research has confirmed the importance of parent-child relationships in promoting the development of empathy, most likely based on feelings of trust and a sense of a loving relationship.
While the above list is not exhaustive, it does provide crucial insights into the complexity and importance of empathy.
Why Work on Your Empathy Skills?
In the book, Emotional Intelligence, science reporter for the New York Times Daniel Goleman (2006) describes empathy as a capacity to “know how another feels” coming “into play in a vast array of life arenas, from sales and management to romance and parenting, to compassion and political action.”
To intuit another’s feelings, we must read nonverbal cues: facial expressions, tone of voice, and behavior. And the benefits are profound.
Indeed, it isn’t easy to find any part of our life unaffected by our ability to empathize. Some of which we identify below:
- How we and others see ourselves:
According to research by Robert Rosenthal and colleagues at Harvard University, our capacity to read the feelings of others makes us more outgoing and popular in childhood and adulthood (Goleman, 2006). - Positive impact on work relationships:
Research confirms that increased empathy impacts our work effectiveness, thereby improving our skills as workers and managers (McKee, David, Chaskalson, & Chussil, 2017). - Successful marriages:
Plopa, Kaźmierczak, and Karasiewicz (2016) found that partners’ empathy was a strong predictor of their chances of a successful relationship. - Better parenting:
Empathy makes parents more resilient and better able to face the challenges associated with raising children (Geiger, Piel, Lietz, & Julien-Chinn, 2016). - Averting global disaster:
Psychologist Robert Ornstein and biologist Paul Ehrlich, in Humanity on a Tightrope (2012), point out that while we are hardwired to empathize with those closest to us, by extending humanity’s compassion, we will be able to tackle the challenges ahead, from global warming to pandemics and war.
8 Strategies to Develop Empathy
Our ability to be empathic to others is not fixed; it can be developed.
Making changes, often small ones, in our daily lives can significantly impact our ability to empathize with individuals and groups (Miller, 2019).
We should encourage ourselves and our clients to experience the lives of others by learning to:
1. Cultivate curiosity
Develop an insatiable curiosity about the particulars of those you meet (Eyal, Steffel, & Epley, 2018; Krznaric, 2012):
- Spend time with people you know less well, and ask them about themselves, how they are, and what their life is like.
- Follow people from many different backgrounds – religious, ethnic, and political – on social media and listen to what they have to say.
- Be present with people when you talk to them. Recognize the subjects that make them passionate, happy, or sad.
- Visit new places, and meet local people while immersing yourself in their way of life.
2. Step out of your comfort zone
Learn something new or travel, and see how it feels to be out of your comfort zone:
- Experience what it is like to be unable to do something or not know how to interact with where you are.
- Reach out for support.
- Accept how helpless you may feel at times, and let it humble you.
- Humility can be a useful path to empathy.
3. Receive feedback
Ask for feedback from friends, family, and colleagues regarding your active listening and relationships skills:
- How could you improve?
- What opportunities did you miss?
4. Examine your biases
We all have biases, and they impact our capacity for empathy. Often without knowing, we judge others on the way they look and how they live (Miller, 2019):
- Find opportunities to mix with people from other backgrounds.
- Talk to people about the important things in their lives.
- While recognizing the similarities we share, be interested, without judgment, in the differences.
- Donate to charities that provide support to other communities.
5. Walk in the shoes of others
- Understand what it is like for people in other situations. How do they live, work, and share?
- Spend time with others, and understand their worries. What gives them happiness? What are their dreams?
- Build relationships with people you see but don’t usually connect with.
6. Difficult, respectful conversations
While it can be hard to challenge or be challenged by alternative points of view, a few simple lessons can help (Miller, 2019):
- Listen and don’t interrupt.
- Be open to new and different ideas.
- Apologize if you have hurt someone’s feelings by what you have said.
- Research the issue. Understand where a point of view has come from and how it affects the people involved.
7. Join a shared cause
Research has shown that working together on community projects can help heal differences and divisions and remove biases (Halpern & Weinstein, 2004):
- Find a community project, locally or in another country.
- Join others who have been through similar life experiences.
- Join a group from different backgrounds and help out at school, political, or church events.
8. Read widely
Reading fiction, nonfiction, newspapers, journals, and online content that captures people’s lives from different backgrounds increases our emotional intelligence and our capacity to empathize (Kidd & Castano, 2013):
- Find writers with unique stories to tell.
- Enter the lives of their characters, their feelings, and their thoughts.
Fostering Empathy in Students and Kids: 4 Games and Activities
Children can learn to empath in their daily lives through play, interaction with others, reading, and caregivers’ behavior.
1. Teach children how to empathize
Imaginative play and reading can offer incredible opportunities for children to learn empathy (Miller, 2019):
- Teach children the names of their emotions.
- Ask children what emotions the characters might be feeling in their stories and imaginative play.
- Let children see your concern for others’ wellbeing.
- Read stories to them with characters from different backgrounds, and discuss why someone might feel the way they do.
2. Empathy scavenger hunts
Bring a youth group or school class together and give them a set of clues that take them to multiple locations (possibly classrooms). At each one, they will find a different teacher or leader.
- Once there, give them a clue about the person they have found and instructions on how to ‘interview’ them.
- Ask them to listen carefully, with compassion. Their goal is to understand the person’s hopes and dreams, and what is important to them.
3. Identifying emotions
Write out various emotions on small pieces of paper and place them in a container in front of a group of children.
- Ask a child to choose one piece of paper and either read it themselves or (if too young) read it to them, without the rest of the group hearing.
- Ask the child to make a face or perform an action to enact the emotion to the rest of the group.
- Ask the group to watch and guess the emotion. If correct, ask them why they choose that emotion.
4. Feeling collage
This art-based activity works well with any age group. The messier, the better for younger children.
- Ask children to cut out faces from newspapers and magazines and stick them onto a large piece of paper or lay them on the floor.
- Ask them to think about what the displayed emotion might be and place pictures in groups.
- Discuss each picture with the broader group.
4 Helpful Activities and Exercises
Try out these exercises to help develop and improve empathy.
Mindfulness and empathy
One of the many strengths of mindfulness is its ability to “shift perspective from our personal subjectivity to impersonal objectivity” (Shapiro, 2020). This move away from an egocentric perspective allows us to experience another’s feelings.
Try out the following worksheets:
- Trading Places Worksheet
- Easing “Empathy Distress” with Compassion Worksheet
Role-play
Role-play can offer a safe, comfortable way for people to tackle difficult issues and practice putting themselves in others’ shoes.
Try out the following worksheet:
- 500 Years Ago Worksheet
Random acts of kindness
Notice when others perform a kind act for you and expect nothing in return. It could be as simple as keeping a door open for you while you are running to get out of the rain or helping you lift a heavy load to the trunk of your car.
As you go through your day and opportunities arise, see what simple acts you can perform to benefit someone else, perhaps without them knowing.
At the end of each day, consider the acts of kindness you have received and how you have improved other people’s day.
24 Questions and Statements to Use With Your Clients
Empathic listening is vital to developing relationships.
When successful, it forms a deeper connection with the client, friend, family member, or colleague both emotionally and intellectually.
To listen well, you must learn to be patient and not interrupt, even if you disagree with what is being said.
Empathic questions can be helpful but should not dominate sessions.
Try out a few of the following, tailoring as appropriate:
- When has your personal bias led to a wrong choice?
- What decisions make you feel uncomfortable?
- When have your instincts let you down?
- How do you balance looking after yourself and the needs of others?
- How do you comfort others?
- What about an experience makes it meaningful?
- When were you most challenged to be your best self?
- Does your curiosity ever create difficulty?
- Do you use silence during your conversations? If so, when?
- What should others understand about you?
- How do you deal with negative emotions?
- When are you most present?
Empathetic statements and responses can show that you understand your client’s feelings:
- I am sorry that this happened to you.
- That would upset me too.
- I want to thank you for being so open and honest with me.
- This sort of challenge is never easy.
- This has impacted you deeply.
- What else would you like to share?
- It sounds like you had a very stressful time.
- Yes, what has happened makes no sense at all.
- I am on your side.
- It’s no surprise you are upset.
- That sounds frightening.
- You are making complete sense.
7 Worksheets and Tools
Concepts, feelings, and emotions can often become clearer by working through real or imagined situations.
Try out the following worksheets with clients as a way to develop their empathic skills:
- Create a Care Package Worksheet
- Creating an Empathy Picture
- Telling an Empathy Story
Also, the following two tools provide support for teaching children and adults about empathy:
- What Is Empathy?
- Empathy Bingo Worksheet
The next two worksheets help grow listening skills that foster empathy in communication:
- Listening Accurately Worksheet
- Group Circle
Empathy and Kindness Books
Books for Adults
The following five informative books provide readers with the rationale for becoming more empathetic, along with suggestions for how to go about it.
1. The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World – Jamil Zaki
Authored by a professor of psychology at Stanford University, this book provides a unique perspective on empathy – sharing both anecdotes and research findings.
The importance of empathy as “one of the animal kingdom’s most vital survival skills” is articulated by Zaki (2020, p. 5), who also describes stories of people who have overcome violent pasts to become role models of kindness.
By presenting empathy as a malleable construct, readers are provided with evidence of how empathy and kindness may be strengthened.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Zaki, Jamil (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 288 Pages - 06/02/2020 (Publication Date) - Crown (Publisher)
2. The Empathy Edge: Harnessing the Value of Compassion as an Engine for Success – Maria Ross
As a marketing and branding expert, Ross has written a book that demonstrates the essential nature of empathy in business (e.g., leadership, culture, advertising, etc.).
The book includes research, case studies, and author recommendations that illuminate the link between empathy and occupational success in multiple areas such as hiring decisions, productivity, innovation, and customer satisfaction.
Ross applies her knowledge as a brand strategist and her personal experience of surviving a brain aneurysm to articulate the many ways in which practicing empathy leads to greater success and satisfaction in the workplace.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Ross, Maria (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 256 Pages - 10/22/2019 (Publication Date) - Page Two (Publisher)
3. The Power of Empathy: A Practical Guide to Creating Intimacy, Self-Understanding and Lasting Love in Your Life – Arthur P. Ciaramicoli and Katherine Ketcham
This book is co-written by Arthur Ciaramicoli a psychologist and Harvard Medical School professor, and Katherine Ketcham, a prolific nonfiction author in areas such as addiction, recovery, spirituality, and empathy.
It is designed to help readers experience greater empathy in areas such as listening, relationship building, intimacy, finding love, and trusting others.
The book contains personal stories of the author’s relationships with patients, colleagues, and students. It also incorporates honesty, acceptance, faith, gratitude, humility, hope, tolerance, and forgiveness as they relate to ‘empathy in action.
In doing so, the book aids readers in developing the necessary skills to incorporate empathy into everyday life.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Amazon Kindle Edition
- Ciaramicoli, Arthur P. (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 295 Pages - 06/09/2021 (Publication Date)
4. The Power of Kindness: Why Empathy Is Essential in Everyday Life – Brian Goldman
This unique book is written by an ER physician who takes an honest look at his sense of empathy and compassion as a doctor.
He goes in search of his lost compassion by meeting with a variety of people (e.g., a neuroscientist, a personality researcher, and some highly empathetic and inspiring individuals) from around the world.
Along with clarifying key terminology (e.g., empathy versus sympathy, emotional empathy, cognitive empathy, etc.), Dr. Goldman (2018, Chapter 1) uses wisdom and storytelling to describe his personal experience in creating this book as a “journey into empathy as witnessed through my eyes…Sometimes I’m the guinea pig for a test of empathy, sometimes a vessel for you to experience and learn how to be kinder in a world that could use a bit more kindness.”
Find the book on Amazon.
- Amazon Kindle Edition
- Goldman, Brian (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 307 Pages - 04/24/2018 (Publication Date) - HarperCollins Publishers (Publisher)
5. Empathy: Why it Matters, and How to Get it – Roman Krznaric
This book is written by a social philosopher who founded the world’s first Empathy Museum.
Krznaric is a leading researcher and writer on the importance of empathy for social connection and societal equality. Krznaric is an excellent storyteller who describes the many ways in which empathy leads to greater fulfillment in life.
The book also includes Krznaric’s description of the six habits of highly empathic people:
- Ability to switch on the empathic brain
- Ability to make the imaginative leap
- Ability to seek experiential adventures
- Ability to practice the craft of conversation
- Ability to travel in one’s armchair
- Ability to inspire a revolution
These and other ideas are insightfully described, along with a call for action.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Krznaric, Roman (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 272 Pages - 11/03/2015 (Publication Date) - TarcherPerigee (Publisher)
Books for Parents and Teachers
For adults who wish to create classroom and family climates characterized by empathy and kindness, there are some terrific books to guide the way.
Here are five examples:
1. Be the Difference: 40+ Ideas for Kids to Create Positive Change Using Empathy, Kindness, Equality, and Environmental Awareness – Jayneen Sanders
Written by an experienced teacher and author, this book is packed with ways in which children may contribute to a more positive, kind, and empathetic world.
It is appropriate for kids to read by themselves, with parents, or as a classroom activity.
With discussion questions in the back, the book provides an abundance of ways for children to make a positive difference by promoting empathy and kindness, care for the environment, and racial and gender equality.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Sanders, Jayneen (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 42 Pages - 08/01/2019 (Publication Date) - Educate2Empower Publishing (Publisher)
2. Kindness Starts With You – Jacquelyn Stagg
Authored by a new mother and graphic designer, this book is designed to teach kindness to kids.
The story follows a little girl throughout her day as she learns how to spread kindness in a variety of relatable ways (e.g., sharing toys with her sibling).
The book contains weekly kindness challenges, examples of situations when kindness would make a difference, and ‘lightbulb lessons of kindness.’ Overall, Stagg has created an entertaining and easy way to teach young children about the importance of kindness.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Stagg, Jacquelyn (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 27 Pages - 04/22/2018 (Publication Date) - Jacquelyn Stagg (Publisher)
3. Teaching Children Empathy, The Social Emotion: Lessons, Activities and Reproducible Worksheets (K-6) That Teach How to “Step Into Others’ Shoes” – Tonia Caselman
The author of this book is a clinical social worker with a doctorate in human development.
By applying her extensive clinical and academic background, Caselman has produced an empathy-enhancing resource for teachers and parents.
Regarding empathy as a ‘fundamental social emotion,’ the book contains numerous lessons, activities, and worksheets intended to aid children in feeling empathy for others and behaving with kindness, compassion, and acceptance.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Tonia Caselman (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 131 Pages - 02/01/2007 (Publication Date) - Youthlight (Publisher)
4. The Kindness Curriculum: Stop Bullying Before It Starts – Judith Anne Rice
Written by an experienced early childhood family education teacher, this book tackles the serious issue of bullying
The book is especially applicable for teachers intending to prevent bullying before it even begins.
The author includes numerous activities aimed at enhancing conflict resolution, compassion, respect, and other adaptive qualities that promote kindness and supportive learning environments.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Rice, Judith Anne (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 160 Pages - 05/07/2013 (Publication Date) - Redleaf Press (Publisher)
5. A Little SPOT of Kindness! – Diane Alber
Created by an artist and mother, this book follows the lead character, SPOT, as he learns how to practice kindness in everyday life (e.g., sharing, being polite, etc.).
The story provides a fun way for kids to learn simple acts of kindness towards family members, classmates, and peers.
Both teachers and parents have found the book useful for inspiring kindness and understanding in children.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Hardcover Book
- Diane Alber (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 32 Pages - 11/27/2019 (Publication Date) - Diane Alber Art LLC (Publisher)
Picture Books for Kids
One of the best ways to communicate positive messages to kids is through picture books, especially since many children will read their favorite books many times over. Not only are picture books a fun way to learn, but reading to children also promotes parent-child bonding.
The following five picture books provide valuable and fun lessons in kindness:
1. Tomorrow I’ll Be Kind – Jessica Hische (ages 3 and up)
An award-winning illustrator created this inspirational picture book.
It uses colorful and fun illustrations of animals to remind children of the many simple but powerful ways in which kindness, compassion, and empathy make a meaningful difference in everyday life.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Hardcover Book
- Hische, Jessica (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 40 Pages - 01/14/2020 (Publication Date) - Penguin Workshop (Publisher)
2. Superbuns – Diane Kredensor (ages 4 to 8)
The author and illustrator of this book is an Emmy Award-winning artist and successful producer of educational programs for children.
Superbugs is an adorably illustrated book in which a bunny dreams of being a superhero.
As it turns out, Superbugs already is a superhero, given her special power to be Super Kind. The pictures are colorful, fun, and easily relatable to young children.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Hardcover Book
- Kredensor, Diane (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 40 Pages - 07/02/2019 (Publication Date) - Aladdin (Publisher)
3. It’s Brave to Be Kind: A Kindness Story and Activity Book for Children – Natasha Daniels (ages 5 to 7)
Drawing from her extensive background as a child therapist, Daniels has created a combined story and activity book about the value of kindness.
With its inspiring story and terrific role model, the book shows children fun ways to practice kindness and also provides advice for parents on how to teach empathy and kindness to kids.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Daniels, Natasha (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 50 Pages - 07/21/2020 (Publication Date) - Rockridge Press (Publisher)
4. Listening With My Heart: A Story of Kindness and Self-Compassion – Gabi Garcia (ages 4 to 8)
Written by a mom and experienced school counselor, this book tells the story of a young girl who finds a heart-shaped rock that she perceives as a reminder to spread kindness.
The book teaches young readers the importance of self-compassion and being kind and loving to oneself and others through its meaningful story and mindfulness activities. It is also available in Spanish.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Garcia, Gabi (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 32 Pages - 10/14/2017 (Publication Date) - Skinned Knee Publishing (Publisher)
5. Be Kind – Pat Zietlow Miller (ages 4 to 10)
This New York Times bestseller is written by an award-winning children’s book author.
Miller uses gentle and engaging text to describe how a young girl considers thoughtful ways of responding after a friend spills grape juice on her.
The book uses beautifully illustrated vignettes to teach children the power of kindness, civility, and empathy.
Find the book on Amazon.
- Hardcover Book
- Zietlow Miller, Pat (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 32 Pages - 02/06/2018 (Publication Date) - Roaring Brook Press (Publisher)
Can Random Acts of Kindness Increase Wellbeing?
This informative article describes what it means to practice random acts of kindness and the positive impact of such actions on emotional wellbeing.
The author explains the position of kindness within positive psychology, as well as methods for putting kindness theory into action. Lesson plans for teachers, along with useful books, YouTube videos, quotes, and apps, also are included.
Overall, the article contains tons of resources designed to support readers in practicing random acts of kindness throughout their lives.
What Is Loving-Kindness Meditation? (Incl. 4 Scripts)
This article delves into loving-kindness meditation, whereby we focus on extending generous and selfless love toward ourselves and others.
With helpful instructions, tips, and suggestions for mantras, the author guides readers through the research, fundamentals, and benefits of practicing loving-kindness. Also included are all the science-backed ways that meditation in general – and loving-kindness mediation in particular – can benefit our health and wellbeing.
Loving-kindness meditation, or metta, can infuse a deep sense of self-worth and gratitude, which can then be extended to others.
17 Emotional Intelligence Exercises
If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others develop emotional intelligence, this collection contains 17 validated EI tools for practitioners. Use them to help others understand and use their emotions to their advantage.
A Take-Home Message
While a large part of who we are is defined by our genetic make-up, our childhood and the life we lead as an adult can change many aspects of how we behave and the way we respond to our environment.
If we are to solve problems at an individual level and gain a greater understanding of the issues humanity faces, we must develop compassion and empathy to make decisions that meet the needs of everyone, not just ourselves.
After all, we are all humans, sharing both a time and a location, with a psychological need to connect. Building empathy allows us to form an authentic, deep relationship with the people we meet and society at large, making decisions that solve our problems and those of others.
Try out some of the worksheets with your clients to help them implement empathy-building strategies daily and develop the empathy needed for stronger relationships while avoiding disagreements that arise from not being able to see another’s point of view.
